spring onion

You Are 96% Burned Out

You are extremely burned out. You work too hard, and you're not getting the results you deserve. It's time for a life change, as soon as you can manage it. You're giving away most of your energy to something you don't even enjoy.

funny hur. i saw this thingo on a teacher's blog. and i did it. and it says that i am 96% burnt out. or burned out. who cares. funny huh. i thought i was just being emotionally unstable. shouldn't trust it anyway. weekends are here. goose. i almost typed holidays are here. hahas.

i want to write to MOE. then we can have fri, sat and sun off. then school hours. school start 1 hour later. you know huh.

i leave the house at 5.45am. my dad's still home. i reach home at 7.30pm or 8pm in the evening, my dad has already reached home. sad. my cousin commented that now their kids reach home later than them, true. and his kid in nyps joined the swimming team. so no tv, no com games, no fun. just homework, swim, homework, swim until dont-know-when.

for me. at least more vibrant. but still a routine. not nice. eurgh. i hate routines. so if i set a timetable for myself. the practical product would be every week, i get my mondays and thursdays swapped. fridays and tuesdays swapped. wednesdays and saturdays swapped. so i get something different. but it doesnt always work. bleagh.

i will never be a teacher. hahaha. i am going to be a movie director. at least the movies you will be directing always changes. then when i have money, or when i have enough money to get by, i will go and do missionary work.. (: after a few months of missionary work, back to shooting movies. then when i get sick of these. i am going to learn more instruments. form a band like planetshakers or hillsongs or delirious. may something like, planetmover or smth. then go round writing songs for God until one day i die. hahahas.

okays. heh. tv time! homework, later! oh yeahhhhh

耶 稣 说 ： 我 不 是 对 你 说 过 ， 你 若 信 ， 就 必 看 见 神 的 荣 耀 麽 ？
Then Jesus said, "Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?"

That's today's verses. Its good. reeally good. :) John 11:40. must remember!!! :D

anyways, another verse.

The God of peace will soon crush satan under your feet.

12 O'clock

It's 12 o'clock and the end of a day.
One more hour till the beginning of my day. Or will it be two tonight? One more hour (or two?) before I get to spend an hour (or two?) with you.

The constant tick-tock of the clock.
It's only 12 o'clock.

It's 12 o'clock and I can't get you out of my mind.
The sound of scratching stubble, fingers on fragboard, the caress of your voice as you giggle and sigh.

The slow drip, drip, drip of time.
It's only 12 o'clock.

GZ PLEDGE!!

We, the gz freaks of N-Y-G-Z,
pledge ourselves as loyal,devoted gz fans.
Regardless of batch, group, or committee,
to build a bonded ensemble,
based on yin1 zhun3, gan3 qing2, and qi2-ness
so as to achieve gold with honours, applause and HARMONY!!!



GO NYGZ !!


hahaha. so funny. good job ruth and rania!

i came back just to post this.

i am VERY prone to get hurt recently.

let week 0 be the holiday week.

week 0, sprained right ankle.

week 1, sprained left ankle very badly.

week 2, hurt my back.

competition's in week 6. i have another 4 weeks to go before SYF and if i continue getting hurt like that, for the next four weeks. i tell you, i will DIE. linlaoshi and vivien will come and kill be with their bare hands, i tell you. i have a feeling of knowing what's happening. but don't feel like sharing.

should be studying now. heh, but yes. i will later.

i am feeling very lousy now. i know why but i shan't tell why. because it's not exactly something you can share with, and something you will be comfortable with for almost everyone.

something to motivate guzheng people for GOLD WITH HONOURS.

nice right? hahas. i will post more. yeah.

NEVER SAY DIE.
WE ACCEPTED THE CHALLENGE AND WE WILL FIGHT THEM UNTIL WE'VE WON.
GO NANYANG GUZHENG.
BECAUSE WE CAN DO IT.
WE WILL DO IT.
WE MUST DO IT.
yay.

(conversation has been modified for easier understanding and for less grammatical errors.

mrchia:what is papa doing?
me: my dad?
mrchia: of course.
me: oh...getting dinner and fetching my brother.
mrchia: nono. i mean his occupation
*cherie went red*
me: oh he's attached to a company. no, actually he's attached to a family. he sells boats and he's on 24hrs standby.
mrchia: so you mean he works in a yatch?
me: er no. he sells police speedboats. and he sells rice too. he on standby to go overseas. which means he can see me to school in the morning but when i reach home, he might be gone.
mrchia: does he go overseas very often?
me: yup
mrchia: no wonder i see toughness in you. interesting. where does he work in?
*cherie keeps quiet because she didnt know how to answer*
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
mrchia: no one leads a problem free life.
me: yeah. eh no. your kid lives a problem free life.
mrchia: haaa loooo he has problem passing motion.
me: you are very funny.
mrchia: you have a good sense of humour too. :D

man. the funniest part was my dad working in a yatch (or however you spell it). i mean how could he work in a yatch?


that's all for today.

i realised that i didnt post much about guzheng concert cause i was tired.

woke up at 4.57am thinking that it was morning already cause the last person who slept forgot to switch off the living room light. was it me? and because my room's door's open and i sleep on a mattress beside the door, i hated the light so much. woke up because my foot was giving hell. itchy, painful, swollen, irritating. gross.

then i went to get calamine lotion so that my foot wont itch so much. calamine lotion took a long time to dry, so i decided to sleep face down, forgetting that i have a scrape that infected and i had dumbly knocked guzheng stand into because i had nothing to do for 15min. imagine how much it hurt. so i yelled in pain. i wouldn't consider it as a yell, but i felt like doing so because it was terrible. i was so feeling like crying and screaming because everything just so wasn't smooth. so i left the lamp on and the bottle of calamine lotion on the table and went back to bed. slept all the way through till slightly past lunch time.

woke up. went online. saw many happy people online. because happy with them. got high for a while had fun informing people about guzheng lunch. realised that i havent started on my homework and revising lit at 4pm. started panicking.

friday, spent the whole afternoon looking for a chinese doctor when the rest are practicing guzheng. should have gone for cca. lousy doc. made me hurt more. couldnt walk when i got home.

spent my whole saturday in school and trying to post about concert.

sunday was rotting day.

i backslided. i havent gone to church for a week. last week i was at sunday school and i had had a terrible time to please the kids.

havent really sat down and worshipped properly. even my usual worship and prise session before bed is disrupted because i tend to fall asleep while doing quiet time or praying or listening to planetshakers. morning, i sleep all the way to school, wasting battery. trying to listen to worship songs.

screwed. and i still have homework left undone.

results not exactly colourful.

comments not exactly positive.

homework not exactly fabulous.

only guzheng is colourful, positive and fabulous. nyguzheng is my pride and joy.

its something i can proudly say that i am proud of. my parents might be proud of saying my daughter's in nanyang. but i wont. because my pride and joy lies alone with nyguzheng.

i aspire to be the pres. :) because i want to bring more glory to this ensemble which has given me so much, much more than the school has ever given. perhaps more than what chongfu gave me to.

i remember the time, perhaps a year ago. i was so desperately wanting to change cca. but i didnt make it. i felt so depressed then, the thought of not being able to continue to learn cello. but it was a blessing in disguise. i was glad my appeal wasn't granted. i was glad that i felt sad then, for a few months. because i felt joy in nygz.

joy.

jesus.
others.
yourself.

i thank jesus for giving me a chance to stay in nygz.
i thank the others, my gz mates for accepting me and not treating me like a traitor because i so didnt want to join nygz.
i thank God for letting me learn guzheng when i was in primary 2, because it was all meant to be. :)

oh yay. concert's over. something off my mind, but one less thing for me to think about. :/ or worry about hahas.

syf's up next. 25th april. :( 1 month later. we can get gold if we compete now. but after another month of hard practice, i think getting gwh won't be that hard. but i'm not going to expect much. afraid that i;ll be very disappointed.

concert went well today. :)) happy happy! hahas.

my title. sounds nice right?

yesterday i was totally armchair bound. but today, i could walk! and on a few occasions, i actually carried my guzheng on my own. hahaha. it didnt hurt as much as yesterday. but now it's very swollen. VERY. i regretted taking off my bandage, and forcing myself to wear court shoes. but it was all worthwhile. :) for laoshi, for my mates and for my husband.. X) yeah.

how serious i the swell. the circumference of my left ankle is roughly 2 times bigger than that of my right foot. serious eh? this morning is was only 50% more. heh. but God is mighty to save! :))

alrights. tired tired. bed bed, here i come!

tell you what. i can cry now.

i sprained my foot during PE this morning.
it didn't hurt that much. i was still walkable.
after lunch, i could hardly walk.
after school, i had to drag my injured foot. lifting it up only gives me pain.
met my mum at northpoint after school to get my leg fixed.
after the 'massage', it only got worse.
now, i can't walk and i have to sit on an armchair to move about.
i havent even showered yet, cause i'll take ages. first, i have 2 open wounds on my knee now, next, i took 10mins to get out of a chair instead of the usual 2sec. calculate, how long will i need to drag myself to shower.
so, here i am.

floodgates ready to open.

i cried 3 times today.

1st time was right after i got hurt, i cried because i'll be limping on stage.
2nd time was during the 'massage' when the guy used too much strength and after 40min, i couldnt take it anymore, i broke down.
3rd time, seconds ago. i cried because i cant walk and to walk, i need to get a jab, so that i wont feel anything, because i dont want to feel the pain. suck.

i am so confused now. hahas. i opened a blog somewhere else. that's a more private one, harder to search and read it. hahas. and dont try...cause i post there personal stuff. as in things deep down from my heart. like. ocean dead or something. hahas.

today's rehearsal was ok. but still a little vexing. but i was less stress today cause i went backstage halfway to talk to marilyn. less chances to sigh and crack my head just because a teeny thing went wrong. not that i'm a perfectionist but for certain things, i set goals high. but the thing is, not many people set goals that high, laoshi for an instance. she said something about us not having enough confidence. i don't know myself. hahas. i know where i stand, but i don't know how i feel. :/ weird.

anyways, this shall be my morale booster blog. and the other one, opposite-of-morale-booster blog. hahas. hopefully, before i get to close down that blog, i'd know which word fits in. well, when i close down that blog, it means that i actually have nothing to worry about. but that means that i might keep it all the way till i die. oh wells, unless i decide to close it down someday.

after blogging, i'm going to study. and after studying, i'm going to practice guzheng. and since both my sisters are already sleeping, i shall practice without nails and guzheng, instead, i shall practice with my fingers and the study desk. hahas.

oh no. i think i've another rash outbreak coming. and initially, they looked like mosquito bites and it's not a good sign. :( which means the attack's gonna be serious. as serious as going to the hospital and spending a night there. yes. why must it come now? bleh.

i mean. hahas. i dont want them. they itch me alot. and i can't go to school and i can't do anything except lie on the bed and talk. that's what i did the other time the rashes invaded me. what did i eat? :(

uh oh. i think i've written some non-morale-boosters stuff here. okays.

i told my mum about our rehearsal today. she said that hr heart breaks when she see me in a way 'torture' myself by carrying the guzheng up the stairs. quite funny. cause since everyone's doing that, if me, supposedly the stronger ones in guzheng dont do that, then we can't go home quick. hahas. she also said, act weak sometimes lah.

heh. i went okay...math was :/ today. the quiz. :( i know how to do math ok. i did the worksheet! but somehow i couldnt get the last part right! :( feeling so depressed now. hahas. this is a good sign, which means i'm paying attention to math. :)

anyways. yes. nothing else. yup. till then.

JIAYOU NANYANG GUZHENG!

WE CAN DO IT.

WE WILL DO IT.

WE MUST DO IT.

BECAUSE WE ARE CAPABLE ENOUGH TO DO IT.

ROCK SIEW MAY AUDITORIUM ON 24TH MARCH.

BECAUSE ITS OUR DAY.

AND WE MAKE SURE OUR AUDIENCES AGREE WITH US! =)

GO NYGZ!

am really tired now. no heart to write much. anyway. yup. rehearsal went badly today. the next one's full dress already. what's with us?

honestly speaking, i don't have the drive to go on anymore.

sickly school work.
sickly performance.
bad attitude.
lousy.

why's everything so lousy? even the bus. yuck. hate it man. badbadbad.

on the other hand, mrs sandy tan rocks. hahas. that was really out of point. but still. school was ok. it was just the after school part. the rehearsal. totally depressing. sec1s, fellows. myself even. some sec3s also. even the sec4s. bad. as a junior, i don't have a strong stand to criticise. but when i see my seniors laugh and play as if there was nothing great happening, as if the rehearsal time was just play time. i feel depressed. and i don't see the source of motivation.

sec1s. fine. it's their first experience, we understand that. some people have never touched the instruments before. totally new to the instrument. and yet, they have to do so much work. i have nothing to say except put in more effort.

sec2s. even worse. we've been in the ensemble for a year now and still, we are not treating things seriously. concert is only 4 days away. an a an hour's time, it would be three. three days. how much more can we achieve if we continue to slack through these 3 days? 72 hours? what can we do?

we are left with less than 10 hours to polish up ourselves such that we'll shine on the 24th. i really have no faith now, that we'll do well.

it seems to me that all those spoken by yuhui, shuhui, lydia. all of them have fallen of deaf ears. they might as well not strain their throats to holler at us.

i feel sick of having to remind my peers or even sometimes, seniors to stop fooling around. no other motives except for making our concert a great one. i think after this concert, we won't have anymore faith to do something good.

first concert very good.
second concert good.
third concert. bad?

i don't even know if we can do a 60% for our concert. laoshi only expected us to get only a gold standard. i think the furthest we can go is a high bronze. depressing but true. because this is the ugly truth. we slacked too much. we left too many things last minute, thus losing our drive. losing our source of motivation.

drive, where have you gone.

first day of school. fast. it went away really fast. sigh. many more days to go. and I CAN'T SLACK.

For every minute that you slack off, someone else in your group would have to make it up for you.

so don't slack. we only have 5 more days.

5

and then syf and then FREE. hold on, nygz, just a while longer. :)

jiayou!

WOW. 5 days. i can't take the heart attack because its all too fast. :(

there's this thing going on in my head and i think it will be there for a while, perhaps until concert and syf are over.

on the taxi ride home with laoshi on friday, we touched on our performance for concert and syf. laoshi only expects as to get a gold standard for concert and a gold with honours standard for syf. being a high D person, i realised that if we don't do a gold with honours standard for concert, i'll most probably break down. be disappointed, sad. that kind of thing but it certainly is not in my hand to say yes or no. sad thing aint it.

i am afraid of disappointing myself, more than i am of disappointing others. in short, i'd rather i disappoint others than i disappoint myself. yup.

so if i say, i'll be happy if i get 55% for math. but my parents or teacher was expecting something higher, i'll still be happy with my score. the thing about me, however, is that i am really sensitive towards what others feel about me. overly sensitive.

so if they aren't happy with my score, my mood goes downhill with theirs. yeah. its easily to go downhill, but it ain't that easy to go uphill. which means, if this time this concert goes fairly well, other people are happy, but somehow it doesn't meet my expectations, no matter how happy they are, smiling or whooping for joy, i won't get affected. in fact, i'll be putting on a fake smile till i get home. not that nice huh. i'm like that. hard to please.

sometimes i find it really difficult to please even myself, while on other occasions, i get contented simply by staring at a wide smiley. its hard to make me stop laughing. but haven't any of you wondered sometimes how hollow they are. i'm surprised too.

what was i thinking?

i had a nightmare about me fighting with mrnightmare because of math. screaming and yelling at him. oh no. >< this is getting real serious. i think i have some mental problem now. :( should i see a psychiatrist? luckily i'm excused from math remedial this thurs. if not i die. face him alone? no way.

heh. i'm dead.

i havent prepared anything for sunday school yet. :( argh. and church service is in 3 hours time? and i still have to go to shuhui's to get the thumbdrive. ARGH.

我死了！！！

i realised how blur i am. let's see. lydia is going to join campus superstar. and its the first round audition tomorrow. she brought a bag of clothes from home today. i thought they were for css2 auditions tomorrow. then laoshi started choosing clothes. i gave some opinions. then i remembered that the tv commercials talking about css2 auditions, that the students going for auditions have to wear school uniform. i went blurred. lydia then stated something like, if i wore that, i can't wear it over my costume. i went, huh? costume?

after a long time, like about an hour later, i realised that it was for lydia's solo (singing) for 至少還有你。blur me. :/ hehe

i am a dummy you know. i dont know how to use the metronome. :( tempo 144 is supposed to be real fast and yet when i played it, ACCORDING to the metronome if i didnt use it wrongly, the music turned out to be real slow. really slow. like maybe, tempo 64 only. hahas. why such a huge difference man. i don't know. :/

anyways, nights. its been a long day.

one depressing post yesterday. another one today.

/later

this is going to be a really depressing post so leave before you regret it.









lets see. i feel really bad right now. its getting late and i'm supposed to put my younger sis and bro to bed and i do not know how to do it. i do not know how to face them. in a way, yes. i just realised i've not been much a an older sister to my younger siblings. alright. yeah. too much influence by prisonbreak. ok. i'm gonna cry. :/ ok. where was i. influence. a bit of over statement huh. linc and mike. they're so close. there's something you can't bluff people with and that's love. you need to be a pretty good actor to hide that huh. and why would someone want to do that. some praise for miller and purcell, good acting. but back to main point. that kind of sacrifice scofield made in the process of saving his brother's skin. its touching. i don't know how far i will go to save my siblings' skin. i don't want to judge myself. there's this weakness i know i have. i appear strong when i am weak. chicken out last minute. that's always happening to me and there's no denial to it. i like things simple and my way. i don't like it when there are too many things going on at the same time. and that's when my temper betrays me. that's just me.

put my siblings to bed.

look, i'm not even sure that i was there when they needed me. a hell good sister i am. it's not going to be an easy night and i know it. its 0040. i've got 5 hours of sleep before the alarm goes off, before my dad barges into my room to wake me up. and then i will go to school, spend my whole day there. reach home near 7.30pm, 8pm. do nothing. stay up just to watch prisonbreak again and again then go to bed. that's life for me. that's my holiday. i haven't even touched my homework and i know i'll be in trouble because it will take me more than a day to finish one worksheet. :/

my life's no good now. worries.
concert.
sunday school this saturday.
geography project.
art project.
maths.

math destructs my life. everyday no matter what i do i will ask myself. what's up with math. heh. i don't know if i can pass math this year. i will be praying that i could and i will do what i can to fix this huge problem that's making my life miserable until a point of time whereby my heart can't take it.

maybe i shouldn't even be in nanyang myself. i don't think i am born to do math. i am a D and i'd like to do things my way.

selfish huh. i think i am. i should learn to be selfless. but i do not want to lose myself too. i think i'm missing the wholepoint here. but the thing now is. this math thing is really killing me.

its no longer me liking it. its longer about mrtan giving me math assignments and remedial to help me. it has become a philosophy thing. i just hate it. the more you want me to do well in it. the more i hate it. whether i do it well or not. i can go force myself and do math now. for an hour before i sleep. because i certainly have the energy to do so. but i tell myself it isnt working out because i will then be doing it for mrtan. just to make him stop giving me remedial. i do not want that. because i do things for a reason. its just me. i think i am going crazy. and i am positive. because all these remedial thing isn't helping.

to some people doing math is like doing homework. you hand it up. the teacher gives you a good grade. you be happy. you stay out of remedial that's it. you get this sense of satisfaction. but i don't get what people get. it won't be good to have a math teacher talking to me about math, like how i should learn to like it that kind of stuff. it's not going to work. if i am still alive by the end of next week. then thank God. cause i couldnt have without Him. because i think i am going crazy.

things are not simple now. once something gets complicated in my head. they get more and more complicated. i don't know what to do.

i catch myself thinking about how can i start loving math when i'm walking to buy groceries or what. it won't work out and i am certain of it.

i don't know why but math is making me mad. not because i love it to bits. but because i simply can't see why i don't like it at all. and it's gonna get worse.

i won't be surprised if i get out of nanyang because i can't do math.

i just went out with clique, ESCXX. its just that, the S and X weren't with us today. which means attendance was 3/5. :( pathetic and thank you so much, CCAs for the attendance. bleagh. anyway.

It was xuelun's birthday today! oh yeah. that's a reason why we went out. well. itinerary was like that:

1. meet at Orchard MRT station control room.
2. go to cathay cinema buy movie tickets
3. find food from the shops near cathay to sneak into the cinema.
   (the popcorn was lousy)
4. go to cathay cinema watch 'rocky balboa'
5. window shop
6. neoprinting
7. catch a train back to yishun
8. eat dinner
9. home.

oh, there was a program 5.5 cause X left her wallet in the cinema. yup. so we went back to find it. second time taking neoprints. bad experience hahas. wasted $10 altogether out of the $21. hahas. quite nice lah. so yup. left the house with $30 came back with $2. sad.

my sis is betting that there's a guy in church who likes me. not taking any chances, but, its a bit. ridicules. hahas.

my. hahas. laoshi found out my blog URL...okay. nothing to blog. nothing to say. but yup, i finished prisonbreak season1. the ending, very sad leh. why must it end with all the prisoners end up running into the darkness. :( sad sad sad sad sad. Michael Scofield is really clever. persuasive. and with character unlike, quan in hana kimi. maybe the author portrayed quan with character but somehow the actor didn't manage to bring it across to the audience. yup. prisonbreak. hehe.

Labels: prisonbreak :)

oh right. so tomorrow's lifeskills camp. i don't like the idea. hopefully i can get some really bad diseases overnight...some excuse not to go for camp but get 3 whole days to myself. :)

anyway, hana kimi was real bad. bad ending. no offence, but i thought the whole show was quite crap. but i still watched it all anyway. :) i've caught myself giggling foolishly in front of the screen many times and it's madness. hahas. i guess that's the only part of the whole show that was good? to me laughing is good. :)

quite stressed now leh. guzheng concert is 17 days away only. why can't they exclude people who have concert on 24th march from the camp? i will miss 哀。a lot. really. i will miss my husband too. 3 days without touching it is like tragedy of the mankind. realised that i havent blogged for a few days. because i am just plain lazy, nothing to write about too. these few days just toilet left right center. top and bottom too.

i saw 104 pails today and i almost fainted seeing them. not fainted. more of, died. i am totally afraid of pails now. not that they will have life breathed into them and they will come and eat me up. not really. but, just the sight of them. :( it's depressing. and no one seemed to want to help out. rarh.

there's something wrong with benedict's blog. i tagged almost 20 times and we can't see the tags. shame. i could have flooded his tagboard. wahas. i'm evil.

i am so dead now. i have to hand up my SIA tomorrow and...oh wells. best not to mention it. yes, i did it. but it's bad. i don't think i did well. anyway. better get to work i do not want to get chopped up tomorrow. yup. that's about it. oh yes. marcus' sick and my sis is super depressed. hehe. 毕竟，她也是默默地爱着她，就像花样少年少女的瑞西。 哈哈. alright, i i shouldn't be backstabbing her, but still. its amusing. yeah.

what did i want to say? oh yes, my stomach's growling. haven't had dinner and don't intend too. i've been told that i told ages to finish my tiny portion of marcoroni (whatever）today during recess. i took 40min. amazing eh. usually i'd have finished it in 5min. argh. what's getting into me. anyway. nights.

btw. i don't like the idea of sleeping in a sleeping bag WITHOUT a proper bolster or pillow. how depressing. i'll miss my quilt. awww :(

Labels: precamp

i am stressed now.
i really am.
i dont know what happened it me.
it all just came down at once.
bearing it.
my back's breaking.
i can't breathe.
Lord, breathe life into me.

ahh.

its 1am now. :( 2 march. i am super tired. i should get some sleep. buttttt....concert video how? i promise friday one lorh. then now. fan ar! :(((

saya sedih.

today cca was bleagh. i couldnt concentrate. then pam asked how was her conducting. lol. i thought more confidence would do. :)

then during home econs kitchen trail i cut my finger open. then when i bend my fingers, they cuts open. painpainpain. plus the nails cutting into the skin. :'(