spring onion

i'm impressed.

questions of the day:
why am i so stingy when it comes to serving God? and God, i've got millions of questions to ask You...when'll you ever reply?

i think the above questions are what most people ask. maybe the first question applies to certain people only, but i think the second. many people are.

the ultimate question is, where is the answer to these many many many questions we have? i just had a long talk with wei which lasted for about an hour. i mean, i like it when friends are honest with each other and don't mind us criticising or pointing out our mistakes to each other. i mean, there would be awkward moments when you just feel all embrrassed and go beet root and everything. definitely, but afterall, its what that brings us together, and its what that makes us.

explained great loads today, and felt as though i've grown also. one thing i gretaly treasure about enlightening others is that i, myself is enlightened at the same time also. maybe not about the same things, but still. its something that you'll reap. i finally understood what gerard sent me eons ago.

he who refreshes others will be refreshed by he himself also. (17-07-2006)

it took me so long to really realise what it actually meant. but its good that i understand it now ya.

its raining outside, i love rainy nights :) and days :) but its a pity that theres school tomorrow. it wouldnt make a difference anyway, i've got to wake up early on weekends now also. :)

really, i'm enjoying the company i get in my church's cell group alot. :) i enjoy conference calls. like say pray at 10pm end up crap for 45min before really getting down to a prayer thats...15min? haha! amazing people. :)

cool yeah. and my mum bought peanut butter. yumyum

btw, i'm going to start fasting from tmr. 0730-1930. which means no peanut butter breakfast. i bet i'll get tempted like crazy, but well. i'll pull through, with the power of God :)

cherie, remind yourself again...what's philippians 4:13?

I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

wth. this sucks, alright? i've probably havent had a worse day than this.

morning, some of you know what happened. and that's that.

then cell group. it was great. church worship was great too. as in really really, great. its the first time in weeks, or even months when i come to God like, really really come to church for Him yeah. not half-heartedly. it might be because i've gotten my results back and no longer worrying about getting retained or whatever. but really lah. i dont know what went wrong in the end. i was supposed to be free. although a little disappointed about not getting 70% and getting humanities programme, but i've decided long ago that it wasn't necessary. and that next year i'll only get busier with church and guzheng, and needn't something that's extra. i'm satisfied.

but then sunday school was bad. i've never shouted in my whole life serving sunday school. what kind of shit is this. today the whole class' like practically nuts. gone-case. wth. the class was a chaos. and a sister in your class who just shuts up and refuse to speak and throw tantrums in class does not improve the situation. wthwthwth.

shit. its just so bad. on my way home i refused to speak to anyone. of course my sis was hurt lah. its a kind of routine like thing that we race up the stairs after church every week. and compete against the lift. we havent beaten the lift yet, of course. but we're improving. the last time we ran we were at 8th storey when the lift reached 10, our floor. so its good. which means that we take less than 50sec to climd 8 storeys. but why is it that i feel so...sucky?

usher was okay. aiyah. everything was okay except for church. after service also lousy lah. shit. fel and drea ruined my night.

i'm sick of taking all the shit from you people already. its not like i hate you or what. but what do you treat me as? i dont mind. but i'm just sick of it. call it pride, but who doesn't want to feel good among people? moon asked me how do i take it when almost the whole class is against me. i can take it because i dont notice. and that i don't really care if they hate me or not. because i know that all i have to please is not the class, just God. and that i just have to love them as if they were me and that's that. i don't make my life miserable my hating people. that's how i take it.

but i'm sick of it. i'm tired of running errands. i'm sick of being a dumbass who eats dinner which is raw because i never remember to put whatever food i get from 7-11 in the microwave before eating it. i hate it when i feel as though i'm the only one rowing the boat when there're tonnes of people along with me on the boat. its totally shitty. this is probably the most vulgar post i've ever posted. but i realised that this' probably the worst that i've felt in my whole life. like shit.

the whole day whatever happens you just go shit. and out of 10 things you only have like 1-2 to thank God for. it's good though.

i feel like a hypocrite. like i just talked about Job not cursing God despite having the worst that you can experience from Satan. and here i am. shit. i really don't know if i'm cursing God and for a while now, at least for the last few minutes, i havent cared.

maybe i should just tell God this problem i have here myself later during devotion.

ayys. i feel like quitting. but death doesn't sound like a great idea to me. God is. He's the greatest reassurance that can be offered to someone who needs it.

great. and now i think of this. this sounds really primary school but i dont care. who do you treat me as? spend so much sms, and time writing letter and talking and advising and all these comes to a waste. shit. i hate it. i'm not a superwoman. i'm not God and you're treating me like one just because i think deeper than most people. just because your parents trust me. just because i'm your friend but that doesnt mean that i can take all the shit from you and clean it up. when will you grow up?

you ask for advice and you dont heed it. whats that? what on earth do you treat me as? answering machine? answer for all the wrongs you've done and account for them while you move on and enjoy life? seriously, i dont mind, at all. not until now. human nature, i know. its just me. its the devil working.

God help me, please. i really am feeling lousy. havent you been the strong one? why do you want to back out now? God, i hate myself.

ahah. there's this springonioneater on guzheng blog now :( so sad. haha

okay, anyway, i'm happy :D

now eoys over, and i know i wont get retained, i'll focus on guzheng :D and yeah lah. someone snapped my strings. so its quite impossible to prac now. anywayyyy, i'm going to restring my darling :)

i swear i'm going to get my distinction this year and not miss it by a few points. guitar tmr. cell group. zang. theres choral night rehearsal also. howhowhow?! hope the auditorium collapse or smth.

anyways, :) nightynights

thank you Jesus, for putting in so much more colours in my life :)

busy weekend :) but not busier than elysa's anyway. :) cell was cool, church was great. today's shooting was a bit uh, messed up but all in all, it was a good weekend. :)

haha. today's shooting was a little funny. and we were supposed to be scared, but i kept getting distracted by all the funny and dumb variety shows that were shown on the telly so i just kept laughing. haha.

then after that we watched the hitchhikers thing. and i felt like sleeping so i kept yawning and yeah. just finished cleaning the fishtank. busy weekend, not much to say :) byebye

no more un-spiffy posts.
no more whining posts.
no more crazy posts.
no more crazy remarks lest i love being called a 'voyeur' person. (check out the meaning of this word. it's sick.)

//

guitar's fixed. but it'll spoil soon, according to the shopkeeper. who cares :) just make sure i master it.

tonight will be deemed as extremely fruitful due to the inability to sleep, in other words, insomnia. really nervous although i'm trying hard not to, and had tried not to think about it for the whole day. but still, its a constant nagging pain in the neck.

whenever my confidence crush me, i stand up, ready to battle. it crushes me again. aw man.

netnetnetnetnetnetnetnetnet. :) sweet. i shall go and sleep right now. although i'll be tossing and end up getting up at crazy hours like 2am to read till the day breaks.

There's a rock that doesn't move,
It hasn't moved, it will never move,
Even though the waves come crashing down.
There's a tower on a hill, its always strong,
It will never shake,
It was standing there before the world began.
There's a wave that's coming in,
Washing over this town, it will make or break us, reinvent us,
It's time to lay me down.

On Christ the solid rock we will stand,
All other ground is sinking sand.
On Christ the solid rock we will stand,
We'll climb on your back, take us to higher ground.

There's a song that doesn't fade,
It never fades it was custom made,
To raise the sons and daughters of this earth.
There's a sound that's coming in,
Rushing over this town, it will make or break us, reinvent us;
it's time to lay me down.

My hope is built on nothing less,
Than Jesus blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly lean on Jesus name.

When darkness seems to veil his face,
I rest on his unchanging grace.
In every high and stormy gale,
My anchor holds within the veil.

His oath his covenant and blood,
Support me in the whelming flood.
When all around my soul gives way,
He then is all my hope and stay.

When the last trumpets voice shall sound,
O then I may in him be found,
Clothed in his righteousness alone,
Faultless to stand before his throne.

this' good. thank you, Jesus.

you know when the year ends, and when people know that they will part. somehow all these autograph book frenzy comes and everyone else just starts crying and everything. and of course, some people like to put this friendship chart thing there.

but really, you know friendship charts aren't accurate. not at all. how can you, measure friendship or any other relationships that's so precious with percentage? you can't rate relationships. how are you going to rate unconditional love? and based on what you see? i think not. relationships, friendships, are like wind. you can't see wind. in fact, its almost impossible to see if that person loves you, not romantic love, but pure interhuman-love. its impossible. the person sitting next to you in class or at work now that you hate, might be the very person who loves you. this doesn't make sense?

think about it. have you ever loved someone but that particular someone doesn't like you. love cannot be defined, i know. so its more advisable to find your definition of love. its a personal thing, though yes, it is a universal language.

basically, in all relationships, love is always present. and it is impossible to see how much one love you just by looking at what that person do to you, or for you. though i must say, most people prefer to present and show their love by doing things for others etc. but i believe, that love is like wind. an invisible, yet invincible force. and this is the force that can do wonders. wind can cause hurricanes and you can't see a hurricane, you can only see the effects of the hurricane. like a car flying past, or fishes swimming in circles. love, you can only feel the effects of love.

to feel the effect for love can take a minute, an hour, a month, a year, a score of years or anything beyond. so do be patient to all those whom you love, be patient to all those who you do not like, because it is impossible to see someone and not love him.

while some people out there prefer to present out friendship charts or leave messages that will be forgotten in due time, i prefer leaving impressions. like i said, everything leave an impression. because there are things called 'brainhooks', i can't remember the scientific term for it, but its connectors in your brain. and that's how you remember things and how things leave an impression in you.

the more brainhooks you have on a certain subject, the longer you will remember it.

to all those out there who are still trying to impact or change lives, in your profession, or as a volunteer or as a mission worker, dont fret. because whatever you do, whatever you say leave a impression in others. and keep doing, don't stop. because the more brainhooks you connect within someone, the nearer you are to reaching your goal.

//

library trip was lousy. mum told me that they will be opening a bigger yishun library beside northpoint and i hope that it will be much better. there're not enough books in this branch right now and even the librarians, i dont see a lot of them showing enthusiasm. i felt so...disheartened that i left the library in 15min, of course with some books to keep me occupied till tomorrow, when i go to woodlands library.

i borrowed 2 Steel's and 2 other books. those lousy ones that entertain you for awhile and when you put it down to carry on with your life, you are jerked out of fantasy and you start being so disheartened. i prefer books that gives me something to bring with me for the rest of my days.

//

by the way, regarding the top most section of this post, do take note: english, unlike math, or science, should not be taken literally.

Labels: books, library, philosophy

i just finished cleaning the fish tank/aquarium and my mum says that i smell of fish and terrapin and maybe fish poo and goo and everything else. haha...

nice eh. but seriously, the mossy things down there at the bottom of the tank's disgusting. at least i was disgusted. but who wouldn't? see...i'm nice right? clean fish tank :D if only my sister was home. can sabo her help me but she's at tabletennis.

heh, really. i want to bring her to watch balls of fury. but her exams end so late. i shall buy the dvd when it comes out. :)

geog was okay. i dont want to say that i will fail, but neither am i confident to say that i will pass. seriously, i studied okayyy. and well, although not a lot. but thank God, whatever i ran through came out and whatever i didnt didnt. :D and well, it was okay. because i finish studying geog like 2 weeks ago. so although certain thing's aren't fresh in my mind and takes time to recall, it was still there.

science left. i shall study bio first. eco, repro, inheritance. :D

oh and i'm giving my terrapin swimming lessons. according to somewhereovertherainbow, i have to let it crawl on the floor?! my mum will scream. and i shall wait for HER to grow bigger, cause i'm really scared that she'll just get squashed by my elephant sisters and well, maybe my brother too. :) its really tiny. the diameter of the shell is only...1.5cm?

and i need to get used to calling her springonion and not IT IT IT. and i must also stop mixing up HER gender with her HUSBAND'S gender.

HERHERHERHERHER
SHESHESHESHESHE

Labels: exams, terrapin

bad omens :(

you know why? once my pig (my sis) got her that music phone, my walkman stops working. maybe it's due to aging. its 2yearsold alr, but its behaving like a...200yearold? haha...i shan't be mean to my walkman. afterall walkman walked with me for quite some time already.

i will post! about math!

you know huh, having passed only 1 pathetic quiz out of gazzilions of tests and quizzes and everything else, i was so nervous today. for math test. at least for the paper1 part. paper2 was mucmuchmuch better. i tell you. i'm still dwelling on this. if only i had done more than just trigo yesterday.

(1/8)^(2/3)

:( i'vedoneiti'vedoneiti'vedoneit before! crap, and it's not just once okay. its like the worst thing has befallen on me, finally.

but i feel satisfied, although i could have done better. see, if i' had worked hard for 2 more terms and not just 2 terms, i would have done loads better for math. but still. :) for the first time in this extremely gruelling year, i'm finally satisfied with my test before the results come back. cause i know i did my best. i really did man.

so no matter what the results are, i know that it is not that that matters, but the effort put in. really.

that had meant too much.
i was overwhelmed but i darent cry
you're tough, and you never try to make personal contact
and that little gesture, really touched me.

for the first time, you confessed
that you acknowledge what i put in
maybe you did in the past
it was just that i never sensed it

but it meant a lot.
really, thanks.
it meant so much more than what would have
been amounted together for the past year

keep your fingers crossed
and mine too.
i really want to soar this time
really.

:D i know i'm happy. so i've been talking none stop since i reached home at 3. dont ask me where i went. i was out indulging myself, as usual with books. but this time round i had had 2 chances. :) before i reached home and after i reached home, before going out to fetch my brother home.

things do leave impressions.
keep trying even if it seems futile.
because people see
and they will acknowledge it.

stories leave impressions to.
but people who get too carried away with commitments
useless, commitments. they refuse
and they do not notice these things.

and that's why we get so little writers
because we have too little people
who are willing to slow down
and watch.
and retell
and leave an impact with other people,
forever.

Reads:
The Five People you meet in Heaven
and
Tuesdays with Morrie
both by
Mitch Albom

history's over. finally? heh, i have a feeling that i'm going to do badly. don't know? sort of heaved a sigh of relieve when i saw the questions, nevertheless...wait wait wait.

seem's like the guillotine did a clean job today.
it was a neat cut.
and the head just rolled to the floor.
not much of agony eyy
but sure, it does hurt like hell.
tomorrow's one,
hope they have sharpened the blade
and a clean, quick death,
and not let the criminal suffer;
in pain, with neck half gone
but still waiting for death to come
slowly, the blood drips.

take heart, people
and embrace it with open arms.

i just realised that msteo loves stylistic style kind of writing. not very stylistic, not very stylistic, not very stylistic. it makes me wonder, but personally, i do prefer stylistic pieces more.

urgh. i really don't want to fail and i really want my msg 2. sounds impossible, yes i know. A for my history has probably gone down into the drains. :(

i took an extremely long nap this afternoon. i dont remember what time i went to bed, but i woke up at 8.15. lazy evening. watched 'catch that kid' on channel5. oh yes, it was amusing. and yup. till now. i'll sleep at 11. no more dozing off during examinations. it's a killer man, oh yes it is.

and i decided what to teach on wed. hope it'll turn out well. it probably won't help eoys a lot, but still. God is our priority.

don't let me go, please. really. i really want it bad this time. i want it bad.