spring onion

there's this thing going on in my head and i think it will be there for a while, perhaps until concert and syf are over.

on the taxi ride home with laoshi on friday, we touched on our performance for concert and syf. laoshi only expects as to get a gold standard for concert and a gold with honours standard for syf. being a high D person, i realised that if we don't do a gold with honours standard for concert, i'll most probably break down. be disappointed, sad. that kind of thing but it certainly is not in my hand to say yes or no. sad thing aint it.

i am afraid of disappointing myself, more than i am of disappointing others. in short, i'd rather i disappoint others than i disappoint myself. yup.

so if i say, i'll be happy if i get 55% for math. but my parents or teacher was expecting something higher, i'll still be happy with my score. the thing about me, however, is that i am really sensitive towards what others feel about me. overly sensitive.

so if they aren't happy with my score, my mood goes downhill with theirs. yeah. its easily to go downhill, but it ain't that easy to go uphill. which means, if this time this concert goes fairly well, other people are happy, but somehow it doesn't meet my expectations, no matter how happy they are, smiling or whooping for joy, i won't get affected. in fact, i'll be putting on a fake smile till i get home. not that nice huh. i'm like that. hard to please.

sometimes i find it really difficult to please even myself, while on other occasions, i get contented simply by staring at a wide smiley. its hard to make me stop laughing. but haven't any of you wondered sometimes how hollow they are. i'm surprised too.