spring onion

hohoho

today was a funny day (:

anyways, post smth before i forget. this is the new joke about teletubbies. (:

cherie: hello sai. hehe, if yuhui was poh from teletubbies, then shuhui will be lala, then treasurer will be dipsy and then liting is tinkywinky!!! hahas. tinkywinky's a gay. a guy go goes around saying, 'lala's ball!' then claps hands. and stuff that huge gym ball inside his RED handbag. (: hahas. so your new name is dipsy! (: btw, when're the photos coming? me cant wait to see how constipated dipsy looked during ai1 ((((:

sai: WAT?! ur reasoning got problem one. how can liting be gay? if liting's not gay, den she's not tinkywinky. if she's not tinkywinky, den im not dipsyonly a few ppl gave me the money how to get photo? and i do not look constipated during ai!!!!

yuhui: goodness how did we become teletubbies? RELIVE. HAHAHAHAH

liting: ay ay ay...what tinkywinky! yea...how can i be gay?!! tsk cherie..

cherie: cause yuhui is the pres. and she's poh. then shuhui should be lala cause vp come after p and lala come after poh. then sai is after vp and dipsy is after lala. then after treasurer is scores i/c and scores i/c is liting. coincidentally, tinkywinky comes after dipsy. (: so... TELETUBBIES!oh yeah, and liting ah, its fated one lorh...unless you can ask tinkywinky to go plastic surgery into something. oh yeah, in the first place yuhui is poh because she's poh yuhui. (: yuhui, bash the person who started calling you poh yu because its through there where i get my inspiration from. (:

hahas. funny tags between 3 sec4s and 1 sec2. (:

and oh yes, today was fun because. heh, lets start from somewhere.

oh, theres this guy, who sprained his ankle, thrice during the whole meet i think. first time was 100m, then 800m, then 1500m. heh. nice perserverance. (: i think i got the word wrong. nevertheless...

the last item, which was the teachers race, something that all the students look forward to every year. was funny. hahas. mrshyam was fast. but after he finish running, he fell to the floor. i realise almost all guy trackers fall to the floor after they finish running. why? i never bothered to find out. hahas.

oh yeah. and mrchia, hahas. he was funny also. (: he was the last runner for one of the teams, and after he ran past the finishing line, he bumped into someone else in the next lane, cause he went of course.

anyways, they might not have sounded funny to you. but just picture it in your mind. (: funny things you mind can do. (:

oh yeah. went to plaza singapura and i dont know why on earth jessica teck brought her camera out. her reason was, we dont go out shopping often. hahas. oh wells, i seriously hate shopping. :(

okays. odius ode. you are trying to catch my attention so badly, so much that i can't possibly ignore you anymore. :(

p.s. and oh yes, i want a crumpler badly. :(
yes. that's the one i want and its $189. round it off to the nearest hundreds. $200.

how much i need to save up?

$200+$300 for church camp = $500
$500 + $153 for a new set of guzheng strings = $653

where on earth do i get such good money?

and hellos. i still owe class fund and guzheng fund. :( sad sia.

i feel super irritated now okay.

my room is full of that smelly smell. okays, the smell is from the oily thing they doctor gave me for my sprained ankle/finger. okays for both. so now my whole room is smelly. hahas. this sounds weird, but i like that smell. but my neighbours dont. :/

i want to go out later. as in go to the library. then eat my own dinner outside. then come home.
i want to shower.
i want to pack my room. its in a huge mess. people come in and wont survive standing for more than 1min. oh wells, i'm the exception. :)

i hate it when people dont reply my sms. :( you know i won't disturb you for no reason. oh wells. i do sometimes, disturb some people. =p but i know better who should i disturb.

i feel tired after posting on 6gracious' blog. :(

heh. tomorrow's sunday. need to get things organised. bleh. :(i probably have to stay up late tmr again to finish my homework so that i can spend my monday out because of csm and shop. monday dont sound appealing though. i suck at shopping.

and have to wake up on tuesday to do work again cause we have to go to school on wednesday. and i have a good reason to stay up, because i have piles of work that is undone. can't blame it entirely on syf. but yes, i am trying to finish them up, at least before the teachers collate the marks. :(

oh wells. too many things to do for me to list them down one by one, or rather i do not have the patience to do so. perhaps that's the reason why i never finish all my work. i should start getting organised. but i'm trying! (: i bought myself an organiser and yes, i have been putting things in. (:

3 gifts.
8 tennis balls to track.
tonnes of homework undone.

and yes, when is my next sunday school schedule? oh, pastor david has not got back to me about the cambodia missionary trip this june. :( i should just go and ask him. :/

bleh.

i am stressed. because i have homework. because i dont know how on earth am i supposed to do the homework and tennisballs. i have this premonition that there will be missing balls. this really bad feeling. it always happens.

like during lifeskills camp. inspite of me trying to monitor where the pails, scoops and mops are. there were 6 missing pails?

now. people are telling me that they returned the tennis balls but they do not know who they returned the balls to. you dont even know your guzhengmates after spending, at least 4 months with them? no logic.

argh. i hate this kind of treasure hunting, and i dont feel like doing it. as in hunting for tennisballs. why can't people just listen to instructions. i say: give the balls to me personally. so why on earth do you give the balls to someone else just because that oh-so-wonderful-someone whom you dont even know is loitering outside my class with tennis balls. they can be anyone you know. tennis girls even. but thanks eh, vivien told me that it was justina who helped. thanks! (:

but there are still some lost souls out there who dont even know where the balls they are accountable for are. and please, the people who collected the balls from you do not have super memory to remember, oh yes, she did gave me those balls.

i dont have the mood to do homework now. let alone study. stupid headache. bash you up. :(

i feel miserable. not exactly though, just. irritable.

i've been screaming and yelling at my siblings a lot these few days. hate myself.

oh yes. i am broke. i seriously don't have $13 to pay for the guzheng photo. how nice. :(

P.S. oh yes. anyone can spare me $152 to buy 2 new set of strings for my guzheng? :(

6 gold with honours
1 gold
1 silver
1 bronze

chinese orchestra
gold with honours

concert band
gold

chinese dance
gold with honours

strings ensemble
gold with honours

Chinese Drama
silver

modern dance
gold with honours

guzheng ensemble
gold with honours

choir
gold with honours

theatre club
bronze

i'm so proud of my school. (: but i am still very proud of guzheng. (: i am having post syf blues already. :(

i miss reaching home at 8pm everyday.
i miss playing guzheng everyday.
i miss missing math remedial because of cca.
i miss syf.
i miss it when i cry because i get stressed over cca.
i miss that split second when my tears started to flow when we got our results.

i miss syf. :(
why must cca stop for 2 weeks? bleh.

GOLD WITH HONOURS! (:

GZ 108
NANYANG GIRLS' HIGH SCHOOL
GOLD WITH HONOURS!

i thought i would be passionate enough about guzheng to blog about it today. but now i feel that there are more pressing things to do. but nevertheless, i shall blog about it. a few days later, i reckon whatever that is in me now, that i would like guzheng to know, will be gone.

it was a touching moment. when the person from ccab said gz108, nanyang girls high school, gold with honours. i totally broke down. before the person even finished saying honours, i knew what we'd get when he started with 'gold with'. my tears started flowing non-stop.

yesterday night or rather today morning, i got very emotional. i started tearing and i didnt stop for a few hours. i just had all these jumbled up feelings in me.

what is going to happen?
have i been putting in enough effort?
have i disappointed others?
have i allowed myself to let others down?
have i sunk so low that i don't even know what am i doing?
what if we do not get gold with honours tomorrow?
laoshi said she'll help us with our burdens no matter what happens, but she feels sad deep down inside and i know it. so what now?
is laoshi disappointed with us?
what's on laoshi's mind actually?

and i think i know what. laoshi has been ever motivating, ever encouraging and ever supporting. she sacrificed so much to help us, she put up a strong front so that we will stay strong too.

but i feel guilty now. i feel guilty because i made mistakes during the actual competition. i feel that i did not put in my best. if people ask why was the music sounding so wrong, especially at the part where we made mistakes, she said we were to tell them that she wrote it that way. but thinking back now, and i have been thinking ever since she told us that, i thought, i can never do that. i can never bring myself to do that. it just feels so wrong.

laoshi has been very strong. she has been that platform we were standing on. and that platform stood there bearing the weight of all 41 of us, but it never crumbled, it never gave in to the weight and burdens it was carrying. however, the platform helped us rise above all when it was our time to be in the limelight.

i felt so ashamed to look into laoshi's eyes today, after our item. so much mistakes. where can you find such an instructor? an instructor who is ever forgiving and understanding? nowhere else i suppose.

i'm feel as though i'm writing a tribute now. no wrong. should be an ode in essay or diary entry form. tributes are for people who passed on.

all those suppressed feelings just came flowing out as tears after the announcement of results. looking back now, i feel that laoshi has more reasons than any of us to cry. cry because she was touched of course.

i dont know why. but i feel. i dont know. er, not justified?

anyways. move on. i've got a lot to catch up now that syf is over. in the afternoon, i had post-syf blues. now, however, i decided that i should start clearing up the homework that i have yet handed up. work that i have yet caught up with the class. and many more.

syf's over. yes. gold with honours, something that we should be proud of but i think i have to move on. things that is up next for guzheng is elections for ex-co 2007/2008. heh. must start thinking of what i want already, but i think i have a clear idea of what i want now.

for now, i need time to smoothen things out. at home. with friends and in church.

i want to start afresh. change church, i think. i don't know yet. i am planning to move my desktop to my work desk. reorganise that tiny portion of the room i own. okays. not much of cca commitments for now. chiong hw. chiong revision.

in 12 hours time. the whole ensemble will already be assembled at singapore conference hall.

in 12 hours time. what we have been preparing for will be greeting us.

in 12 hours time. what we have been hoping for and looking forward to will be greeting us.

and we will be greeted by them.

in 14 hours time. we'll know what we had gotten out of what we have put in.

and i can't write on anymore.

i feel like crying. i've gotten so emotional suddenly that i do not know what is causing all these emotions to well up in me. perhaps i've been thinking too much. perhaps i have dwelled too much into things. perhaps i brought all these upon myself.

i've lost all my confidence. not suddenly, but for sometime now. since, perhaps 2-3 weeks ago. why. i dont want to state why. if just because of one incident, i fell, i am not about to allow myself to fall again. in this crucial point of time. i suddenly have this feeling, of backing out. run all i want and then sprain my other ankle, so that i do not have to turn up for school tomorrow.

where has the eagle gone?

why, the eagle has always been the one to pick others up when they feel down or when they were thinking negatively. so why now, when the eagle thinks that the others needs her most, did she fall and crumble into the dusts she dusted off the others.

me. the eagle. or at least i feel i am. crumbled.

i really do feel like backing out. not turning up tomorrow. but i know deep down, i am dying to go up on stage to perform. so what has gotten into me? i dont think its the pressure of getting gold with honours. i think its the fear. the fear of thinking you've finally gotten hold of what you should have and then, losing it in the end. because it all has been an illusion! and you have been bluffed by it. i fear. i fear that i've been cheated, not by others, but by myself.

of me doing hundreds, perhaps thousands of math questions put together, and scoring a mere 14/50 for math common tests. i fear.

i hate that fear. and i have yet overcome it. when will i?

its giving me misery. so what now. when people have been so confident about being able to get that honours, why is the person who brought them to believing that they can do it, crumble? because she has. the ever fragile. i fear. that i think i finally got hold of the gist of ai1 and chun1, and after we performed, then will i realise that i in fact, DID NOT get hold of the whole thing, not even the fundamentals of the song.

laoshi told us today, if we put in our bests, no matter what we get, may it be c.o.p., bronze, silveror even gold without honours, don't cry. cause we did what we can. but looking back. i think i will. because i really think so. i believe that i have put in my bests. i have done whatever i can. may it be helping the ensemble or helping myself, i think i have done my bests. but afterall,
i think i used a wrong approach. i wasn't focused enough. perhaps that was true. is true. will be true.

i've been told by many people, that although i am weighed down by things, i am still happy. i'd like to make a correction here. i am not always happy. but i always put up a happy front, because i believe in influencing people. i believe that i can help unload other people, not unto me, but help them completely set their burdens free.

i have God. they don't. and i want to let them share with me this wonderful Father i have. so that He can help share the burdens we have that we cannot let go. maybe i can. and i believe i can. have faith.

i believe.
but i can't achieve them.
so what's the point in the first place?

i feel so dejected.

today during LA, i was feeling so down that i started on a blog entry on microsoft word. it goes :

i've realised that i've been having a hard time trying to express my inner struggles. i can't seem to make any sense out of the garble i mumble. whatever i say, people just don't get my point. hey, does my english really suck that much? i think so. i haven't been making much sense ever since i-don't-know-when.

having trouble sleeping recently. going to bed way past midnight. most of the time 2 or 3 in the morning. i'd wake up in the middle of the short amount of time i get to sleep because of unpleasant dreams and then go back to sleep with perhaps less than an hour left to be spent on the bed. and yet, i don't feel tired the next day. signs of insomnia? i hope not.

it seemed to me and it feels so like it that after syf, the world would come to an end. we put in so much of ourselves into striving for the best music we have yet produced, putting in the every last inch of our energy as though that was the last race. but hah. thing's aren't what we are wishing for. or rather, just what i was wishing for. after syf, there would be many more races and marathons for us to finish running. its no wonder why i always have this dream of me dying in a car accident at the age of 20. such a specific age. such a specific way of getting killed or dying.

a sign from God, perhaps. nah, i wasn't referring to the previous paragraph. its just that there are so many people, suddenly, start asking me to pray. and one brother who i don't usually talk to, started lecturing me about faith. he didn't say much. but his message was clear. or rather, God's message was.

pray.
read the bible.
you get peace.

to be frank. i haven't done any of those in months. and of course, i have yet gotten my peace.

Jesus
Others
Yourself.

J
O
Y

you get joy.

when will i ever learn, again?

math test tomorrow.

UNSW science test on tuesday.

bio test and syf on wednesday.

damn the school. why exams during syf period? :( they made us stop going for remedial classes because of cca. and we are in remedial cause we need it and they make us stop going for it. and now they give us tests. no brainers.

math test tomorrow but i have absolutely no heart to study. did math yesterday in school. conclusion. i cannot study when other people are around.

sectional leaders and laoshi wants us to practice on sunday.
math teacher wants us to do math on sunday.

i dont have 2 sundays.

okays.

i dont see any sense now at all. in anything i do. but i have to do something. this sucks. oh yes it does.

whats wrong.

countdowns.

1 day to math test

2 days to UNSW science test

3 days to bio test and SYF.

1 day to 75%? i dont think so.

2 days to disctinction? i dont think so.

3 days to 75%? i dont think so.

3 days to gold with honours? i dont want to think about it.

i've learned not the expect too much. because i don't want to feel disappointed with the results.

think about it. for 2 weeks. i've not been telling anyone how is guzheng. whether we have improved or not. i've not been telling anyone whether we can get gold with honours, or gold, or silver, or bronze. i merely write down what people think and then i think about what they say.

improving?
target getting nearer?
or what.

because i feel scared.
i've been having nightmares.
i can't sleep and i wake up at 2am in the morning to practice guzheng.
i thought i got the gist of ai1.
but now i think i dont.
i still havent gotten the gist of chun1.
i dont think i can ever get the gist of chun1.
whats with all these gold with honours thing.

what's with me.

yesterday at church. i cried. finally after a few months.
yesterday at church. i knelt. finally after so long.
yesterday at church. i listened to the sermon. finally after so long.

i've strayed so far from God that i feel so ashamed to come back.

i saw elysa.
i saw lewis.
i heard ben sing.

why wasn't i as devoted as them.
why did i every stray from his sight.

ben's devotional and verse messages used to mean a lot to me.
they encouraged me.
but now i see them.
i feel nothing.
i think, next time, when my bible is in front of me.

i used to be excited about God.
i used to be passionate about serving God.
but now i see it as a chore.

i was telling zp yesterday i grew after i joined my current church.

as compared to the previous church i went to for 3 years. i've grown so much in a year here. but think about it. for almost 4 months. i havent been reading the bible on my own accord.

i've strayed so far. very far. damn me.

i'm numbed.

i cared too much about what people think about me.
i should start to think about what God thinks about me.
i'm living a live without God.

i love it when i see people get excited about God. (:

okays rarh.

things to rush out today.

history.
home econs.
math.
maybe a little bit of science.
OM report.
LA trial poem/ode.


oh wells. many things to do. joys. yeah right. tmr have to return all the pails, or rather donate all the pails to the school. then lunch will be spent in M301. haha. i have this mad idea. no one practices or change strings. just spend 45min lying in the room with the lights off for nap and to pei2yang3gan3qing2. cool idea right? hahas. i dont think yuhui or shuhui will allow. (:

oh yes. hahas. new seating plan. got promoted to second row from third row along with fishmoon and tingting. (:

hahas. they're just names i came out to kill boredom during long cca hours. i realise that i am crapping away. just type type type. not much of emotions. hahas.

just like that. haha. nothing much.

cca has been really hectic. in fact, we spend more time during cca than lessons.

lets say lesson hours are 2+2+1=5hours.
cca = 30min(sometimes)+45min+4 hours = 5hr15min.

go home, practice more. time spent practicing guzheng can go up to 8 or 9 hours for me. but i think after syf, things will get more relaxed.

cca today was alright. mrs ee came to listen and to help out. she said that there was great improvement and tingyi was cheering and cheering. hahas. funny. (: anyways. yeah. at least we made improvements.

but i feel a little stressed now. hahas. second row. oww. hehe. nervous. the other time i was upfront. but still after so long. its a bit hard to get use to it. and when i usully play guzheng facing my bed/study room wall.

oh wells. i'll be missing my bio test next wednesday because of syf. and ohyes. on a lighter note, i think i got the gist of ai1! (((: thats really some achievement for me when i was merely stoning when playing ai1 a few weeks ago and then totally not moving. but today i felt this warm sense of thing building up in me as i played. and i got goosebumps. i was totally freaked. but yes. i got the gist of the song. i felt the song reach my heart and almost triggered my floodgates. it was totally pow wow wow. i love ai1! (:

心弦律動！ i totally felt that. my. (: that feeling was real great. as for guzheng what i think i have to touch up on now is:

• my movements in chun1. they're a bit weird.
• my facial expression in chun1.
• practice practice practice both chun1 and ai1 such that i can play without looking at my guzheng, at the same time, mistakes free.
• take note of my da4xiao3sheng1
  

my goals by the end of the week. (: for guzheng. hahas.

goals by the end of the week ah. do math math math. study bio bio bio and nothing else. (:

week5

thursday - chinese ting1xie3 and math quiz on linear graphs
friday - history test

week6
monday - either math or bio test
tuesday - either math or bio test
wednesday - guzheng syf



nice huh.
to do list before i go to bed.

1. finish revising history. (i'm only 1/4 done with it)
2. finish revising chinese words (half done)
3. revise for math quiz tmr.
4. do math questions
5. finish my geog worksheet
6. finish some work that are undone.
7. revise bio
8. edit amanda's historical recount
9. make changes to guzheng scores.

hah. its already 11.37pm. how much more time am i left with? another sleepless night. bleh.

bus journey today was not nice. :/

morning, my bag kept slipping off my lap and i was irritated so i yanked it up a few times. obviously the njgirl beside me what super irritated. then my mum called. i was sleepin so i didnt hear the ringtone. then the nj girl was glaring at me like mad.

on my way home.
no seat no seat no seat all the way to ang mo kio. i found my seat. and i immediately fell asleep. the when i woke up. still at lornie road. but it was pitch black already. sad. reached home at 8. ate dinner at 8.15. slacked until now. going to shower soon.

oh yes, i brought laoshi's metronome home today. nice. hahas. i kept making noise with it until my mum yelled at me. (:

talking to rania now.

oh yes, tennisballs. haha. today morning realised 21/38 people in the ensemble didn't bring tennis balls. so off we (jessicachoo, jessicateck, zhiqi and jiayun+ me) went to count how many people needed tennisballs. we borrowed 42 tennisballs. or at least we tried. then we spent 40min of lunch having a tennisball hunt. ahaha. oh wells. oh yeah. one ball went missing after cca. :( but zhenping donated one ball to give back to pe dept. but me nice lah. i'm buying 3 balls. keep 2 for myself to play tennis as well as guzheng. then 1 give to school. then zhenping can have her ball back. (: haha

oh wells. rania's waiting to read this post so i shan't keep her waiting.

anyways. stomach ache. i drank. almost 2litres of strawberry milk today. don't ask me why because they're just nice and they're good for my bones. ahah (:

/edit

hehe. today teddy asked me when did rania became my girlfriend. i said i didnt know. asked rania she said she didnt know too. hahah. then teddy went. how could you?! then you both no anniversary ah...then i say. argh. hahas.

rania asked me after a while why did teddy know about our relationship? she said now like the whole guzheng know already. hahas. i said, then maybe we should publicise us our relationship. haha. so today is our anniversary. eh no. make it 25th april. (: first syf together. (: shall find something nice for her.

today i pounded 3 violin rosins to dust.

today i fixed my bridges.

today i marked my guzheng.

today i massaged my guzheng.

today i did math.

today i was saved by jewel.

today i slept during geography because shyam wasn't teaching.

today i am tired.

today i stood all the way to school today. and that would be a 1hr and 15min journey.

that's all? i think so.

no time to post reflections. no time for emo posts too. no time to be emo.

just chiong the next 2 weeks. do well for syf. do well for commontests. finish all my overdue homework. mug. :/

{-my marriage age is...

[x] I know how to make a pot of coffee.
[x] I keep track of dates using a calender.
[ ] I own more than one credit card.
[ ] I know how to change the oil in a car.
[x] I know how to do my own laundry.
[ ] I vote every election.
[x] I can cook for myself
[ ] I think politics are exciting.
[ ] I balance my checkbook.
[ ] My parents have better things to say than my friends.

Total: 4

[x] I show up for school/college/work every day early.
[x] I always carry a pen in my pocket/purse(eh, pencil counted right?).
[x] I've never gotten a detention.
[x] I have never smoked a cigarette.
[x] I have never gotten completely trashed.
[ ] I have forgotten my own birthday at least once.
[x] I like to take walks by myself.
[ ] I've watched talk shows(?).
[x] I know what 'credibility' means without looking it up.
[x] I drink coffee at least once a week.

Total: 8

[x] I know how to do the dishes.
[x] I can count to 10 in another language.
[ ] When I say I'm going to do something, I do it.
[ ] My parents trust me.
[ ] I can mow the lawn.
[x] I can make adults laugh without being stupid.
[x] I remember to water the plants.
[x] I study when I have to.
[x] I pay attention at school/college (unless i fall asleep. :D)
[ ] I remember to feed my pets.

Total: 6

[x] I can spell 'experience' without looking it up.
[ ] I work out on a regular basis.(huh?)
[x] I clean up my own mess.
[ ] The people at Starbucks know me by name.
[ ] My favorite kind of food is take out.
[x] I have gained weight since middle/high school (DDDDDD: !)
[ ] The first thing I do when I wake up is get caffeine.
[x] I can go to the store without getting something I don't need.
[x] I understand political jokes the first time they are said.
[x] I can type quickly.

Total: 6

[x] I have realized that the weather forecast changes every hour.
[ ] My only friends are from my place of employment.
[ ] I have been to a tupperware party(?).
[x] I have realized that no one will take you seriously unless you are over the age of 25 and have a job.
[ ] I have more bills than I can pay.
[ ] All my friends are older than I am.
[x] I can say no to staying out all night.
[x] I use the internet every day(pretty much.)
[x] My wardrobe hasn't changed in a while.
[x] I can read a book and actually finish it.

Total: 6

Add up all the numbers and repost this as:

"My marriage age is 30."

end of the week. accomplishments made...i don't think i should list them down cause i'm not even sure of what i did. anyways, a week went past so fast. no like no like. :( weekends means WORK. stupid work. oh joys. like real.

oh yeah. i'm going to die. so going to. i'm teaching sunday school tomorrow and YET i haven't even started reading up on what am i suppose to teach. no good no good. a fine example set, for the kids. :/

at least OM's over, that art model thing's over. but tension's building up for cca cause syf is 12 days away. in about 2 hours, it will be 11 days away. bleh.

so left with bio sia, combined humans and la sia, chinese portfolio and all the work that has to be done. how nice, yeah right.

okay, i shall work hard and do well. (:

anyways, i think i am going to start learning piano soon. i don't know yet. i just know that my dad paid the deposit of a piano and he suddenly asked a really random question and that is "do you want to learn piano?" yup.

i thought yesterday's cca was not that bad. but mrs ee was quite scary. she walked past and then said, 誰沒有調音？and many times. haha. then she kept staring at me and i could feel myself getting more tense under her intense stares and my face went red and i went all rigid. yeah. then she suddenly walked over and uttered many things. i didn't know whether i should stop playing altogether and listen to her, but i was afraid that i would make another wrong move so i was trying really hard to play the right notes without looking at my guzheng and then stare at mrs ee and try to absorb whatever she wanted to get across to me. oh wells. i did in the end. succeed. hahas.

then as i was walking out for break, laoshi suddenly called me. the last thing i quite wanted was laoshi talk to me one-to-one. i stil haven't got over what happened on tuesday. or was it tuesday? but yeah. i cried. so i felt embarrassed, er, freaked out, and i don't know what else. hard to describe lah! :D

but i thought laoshi looked alright on thursday. and hopefully, she saw improvements in us. cause really, people like yuhui is putting in a lot of effort.

then today during lunch, pam wanted me to in a way supervise and practice with part three. i was not used to doing what an SL was supposed to do, so part3s, i'm sorry that i wasted 10min of your precious practice time by not er, being enthusiastic in what i was supposed to do. yeah. but i thought they played quite well today. at least we tried out the TIs and most of them made it. not too flat and not too sharp. but the thing that could help me vomit blood was when they played just that note c#, they were fine. in fact, according to my tuner, most people hit the perfection mark. but once they start to play the whole song from start, the TIs became very very screwed. oh wells. i finally understand what is it like trying to correct something. spend 15min trying to correct it, then in the end, they all came crashing back down onto you as nothing.

then yeah. we tried our luck, to continue practicing to 1pm. when the bell rang. but yeah, thanks rania for staying back and risking getting 'scolded' by shyam to help me keep chairs, off the lights etc.

yup. so prayerfully, tmr's practice will give something encouraging and not something depressing.

oh yeah. i slept through history today. its all got to do with the mentality. i've been reading some hci performing arts group people's blog. they too faced the same problem of not being able to stay awake in class especially classes with no hands-on work. but they're right. its a choice. you CHOOSE to remain refreshed or sleep through the class.

p.s. the previous picture of a chemistry laboratory is not the one in my school, i found it on the web. oh yes. i know it's really very random, but still. i did that to facilitate me, the it idiot to enlarge the picture when i try to print it out for better visibility on a piece of A1 sized paper.

i dont know what to say.

but today's cca was terrible

yuhui was yelling.

and yet we were laughing.

we should have known better.

than to make noise when we were changing the strings.

changed 6x21 strings in 3 days.

but i shouldn't complain.

OM internal judging tmr.

one of the backdrop is not completed.

and that group member hasnt even started on it yet.

how screwed.

art tmr.

3D model due.

one group member didnt give a damn about it until today.

too late.

mathmathmath.

at least i am improving, or i think so.

guzheng guzheng guzheng.

i still have that 要哭又哭不出的感覺 when i think about guzheng.

cambodia.

i still want to go cambodia to do missionary work. praypraypray.

homeworkhomeworkhomework.

never ending. i guess i dont have to sleep today.

i broke my record this week.
i reached home at 8pm on monday, 7.30pm on tuesday, 7.45pm on wednesday. i have never reached home so late in my life other than on outings with my family. i was kind of shocked too, when i looked at my watch. 7.15pm. still at macritchie reservoir. how nice. but still it's worth it. if it's going to help us become better musicians. why not?

i've got a confession to make. i've never thought of cca to be that serious. musician. it was a blow that i took 3 days to recover from. never in my life, after playing guzheng for 7, almost 8 years. not once have i considered myself to be a musician. perhaps that was the answer as to why we were not taking the whole music matter seriously. but i think its still not late for me to realise that i am a musician. and a musician creates pure good music. yes, i will do that. from now on. now that i know that i am a musician.

something off my mind today. i finally found time to speak to cikgu hanim. about my malay remedials etc. after 3 weeks. this week's busy. i don't think 45min is enough for break. when i first got my timetable last year, i thought, wow, 45min of playtime.

i've never thought of why we had 45min. because we really need the time. this week has been busy. we work work work during class time. recess we rush to stuff ourselves with food. either go back to class to rush homework so that we get time once we reach home, if not we go to the music room to do what's necessary. every minute counts. its a constant race against time. then class time again. teacher rushed through lessons after lessons, topics after topics. and we rush after the teachers, trying to catch up with what the teacher was trying to bring across. then lunch. we rush again to the music room, again do what's necessary. we try to push ourselves hard such that we reach the limit. at the ring of the second bell, did we start to pack up, leave the room. ending up, usually late for lessons. then another period or two for lessons. then we rush again, off to the different places where we have to.

third lang students rush to catch the bus to bishan. after their classes, they rush to junction eight to grab a bite then they rush home again to revise the day's work and homework.

students who have cca, rush to the various locations. until they are dismissed after 6. they rush to finish packing things as soon as possible, then rush to catch the bus. those lucky enough to get a seat get to catch an hour of sleep before they rush home again to rush work.

weekends are meant for doing work.

the term rush hour is gone from my life. because now its has turned into rush hours. efficiency. effectiveness. efficiency. effectiveness. speed speed speed.

if only we could slow down. to appreciate anything. love, joy, happiness, God.

i saw this sms big kiddo sent me. enjoy God for the rest of your week. at times, i really can't. in fact, most of the time now. i don't have the heart to read the bible. prepare sunday school classes properly. what more do i ask for, than a little more quietness and peacefulness in life other than the constant rush. it could do a little good.

some peaceful worship music playing in the background. enclose myself in this room filled with nothing but God. enclose myself. allow myself to let Him hug me.

and that's when i break down. and cry.

Jesus Take The Wheel


She was driving last Friday on her way to Cincinnati
On a snow white Christmas Eve
Going home to see her Mama and her Daddy with the baby in the backseat
Fifty miles to go and she was running low on faith and gasoline
It would been a long hard year
She had a lot on her mind and she didn't pay attention
She was going way to fast
Before she knew it she was spinning on a thin black sheet of glass
She saw both their lives flash before her eyes
She didn't even have time to cry
She was sooo scared
She threw her hands up in the air

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this all on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel

It was still getting colder when she made it to the shoulder
And the car came to a stop
She cried when she saw that baby in the backseat sleeping like a rock
And for the first time in a long time
She bowed her head to pray
She said I'm sorry for the way
I've been living my life
I know I've got to change
So from now on tonight

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this all my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on

Oh, Jesus take the wheel
Oh, I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
From this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel
Oh, take it, take it from me
Oh, why, oh

Music Video:JESUS, TAKE THE WHEEL (by Carrie Underwood)

Music Video Code provided by Video Code Zone

miserably miserable.

i think today was a wake up call, for all of us. nanyang guzheng, that is.

reflect. and now its not the time to give up and feel incompetent. learn from our mistakes and never ever do it again. for you've seen how heart wrenching the whole process will become.

during today's practice i was really emotional, but not in the positive sense. emotional because why had things got to turn out like that until we finally pushed ourselves to give it a thought.

we did "to kill a mockingbird". one of my most favourite quotes in there,
"You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view . . . until you climb into his skin and walk around in it."

did we try to consider things from others' point of view?
did we try to climb into his/her skin and walk around in it?

how would you feel if you had to ask your students, have you been giving me enough respect?

yes, i think we all agree that respect has to be earned. but what about basic respect?

a few weeks ago, i posted something and impulsive on the cca blog about seniors being in competent. i was told, that although respect has to be earned, but being a junior, you still have to give that senior respect because of her status. let alone a teacher. a teacher that's not normal, a teacher whom we all should respect, a teacher who always go an extra mile to help us, who always put in her bests for us all. and yet, we do not give her the respect she should get, not even the basic.

now that students are getting more and more individualistic, we tend to forget about the people around us. you have a different approach or opinion for things. you have a common goal yet a different journey to reach it. but we are a team. and we should behave like a team. we should know what our conductor/instructor expects from us, we should know how should we meet her expectations. you did not stand in her shoes.

you also don't go, hey yadayada is not listening to laoshi, so i do not have to listen to laoshi. you should at least know what you should do when someone else is speaking out there and not let that person yell and scream at you before you settle down. again, you did not stand in her shoes.


until now, at 11pm, i still have mixed emotions/feelings. being someone who needs a long time to react to things that affect my emotions, i have yet sorted out my thoughts yet. and again being someone who gets emotionally and mentally affected easily, i think this will stay with me for life. and i must say, it will be a constant reminder for me, to learn how to stand in others' shoes.

i think, to allow things to get to this state, the call is strong enough for us. i hope from today onwards, we don't just say okay okay okay and not do what we 'okay-ed' to.

saying okay is like making a promise. and not carrying out what you agreed to and made clear that you have understood is as bad as breaking a promise. and breaking too many promises is very hard for someone to bear.

imagine your dad promised you an icecream a day, or even, an extra dollar for pocketmoney a day. what is it like if he were to delay your icecream supply? what is it like if he were to delay your raise in pocket money.

the promise he made, is equals to bullshit. because him saying it is equals to him not saying it, because you did not see the action.

think about the music you play the next time you practice. don't just blindly practice whereby you do not even know which piece are you playing, whether you are into the music, whether you are playing the right thing.

honestly speaking, i still can't get over what happened today. and i must say i think this is the second time ever i cried in front of a crowd of about 40 people, other than in church.

we all make mistakes, we all are not perfect. and we cannot be perfect. but in terms of music, in terms of arts, since you have binded an everlasting contract with guzheng, with music, you do the job well. you might not win the hearts of others, you might not win the hearts of the judges during syf, but only you yourself know whether you have moved yourself.

okay. i'm so screwed.

:( laoshi said she can tender her resignation letter anytime. oh no. :( okay. i'm stuffed. with everything. you name it, i have it.

1. rania you're so going to die.
2. he actually brings his kid to his office at 11.20pm!?
3. workworkwork
4. i am zombified. i didnt sleep. currently running on caffeine and i dont know..

those listed are not very nice things. hahas. on a lighter note,
i can go to cambodia missionary trip.
i checked with ps david, there is NO age restriction.
21-28june, cambodia, HERE I COME. (((:

i did 117 algebra questions today. FINALLY. hahas.

yes, i know it's 4.29am in the morning. not that i finally decided to wake up so early, but its because i have work to do and thus i haven't slept. yes. i don't know why am i posting, but yes. i am posting

i realised that i logged onto blogger.com on 4th april just to express my hates for it. oh wells, i really do hate it. things that i need to complete before monday comes.

1. math w/s 2.5 [yes, i haven't handed it up yet.]
2. math w/s 3.2 [yes, i haven't handed it up yet.]
3. math activity worksheet. [AND yes, i haven't handed it up yet.]
4. math written task [YESYES I HAVEN'T HANDED IT UP YET]
5. science w/s 1.2
6. plan sunday school classes.
7. practice and practice and practice guzheng. and make sure i remember the changes laoshi made and not play back the notes on the oldoldold scores.
8. change my bedsheets.
9. wash my ankleguard. it stinks like don't know what.
10. do mathmathmathmathmath
11. start revising for common tests.
12. finishmy desiderata poem.
13. read books.
14. convince marcus to let me watch prisonbreak season 2 before he does.
15. what else?
16. 20 simultaneous equation questions
    

oh wells. the math worksheets. sigh. 4! bleh. i have stopped believing in copying work in school already. and yes, i havent copied a single worksheet from my classmates since 2007 started because its bad. it doesn't help me at all. yes, it does ensure that i don't hand in late work. but i told myself either i do the homework myself or i hand it up late but make sure i did them myself and not fool the teachers esp math teacher by copying some math genius' work in class.

yeah. the good news is i am done with them but i still have blanks. out of 5 questions, there is 1 blank. yays! anyway. i still have to hand them up. bleh.

guzheng syf is in 18 days. :( must have faith that we can do well! GOLD WITH HONOURS. yes! we want it badly.

till date, nygz has gotten 0 bronzes, 0 silvers, 2 golds and 0 gold with honours. i want the scoreboard to remain like this! so we are going to outshine our seniors, or rather, we're going to improve. we're going to get gold with honours!

to get that, we need to practice hard and smart x 10. yes. we are working hard, but not smart enough. (: laoshi said that we're smart people so we should make use of our brains. chiong for syf!

yay. i shall continue to practice guzheng 3-4 hours everyday. (: thank goodness i haven't started taking up 2nd instruments yet or i'll die.

guzheng is my life. (:

yesterday night was funny. i went to bed at 12am and felt weird. cause i havent slept so early in days and thus, i couldn't go to sleep. but i was tired so i fell asleep a few minutes later feeling weird. i slept for 15 hours waking up finally at 3.15pm. had lunch and began slacking until now. i'm going to play mapletory for a while then workkkk through the night. prepare for cca tmr. and try to bring people to church.

oh yeah. i still need to check with guzheng 1 part 1 whether laoshi made changes and what they did cause i left 2 hours earlier because my brother was having a fever and my mum wasn't at home and my dad's in shanghai and my sis is in school, uncontactable. so i had to rush back to fetch him. anyways. yeah.

so toodles and maple. (: OH YES. I NEED TO FINISH THE BACKDROP AND BLEH. script.

i hate the new blogger.

wanted to show that lame conversation i had with rania just now. but i stupidly didn't save it. anyways, i'm gonna ask it from her. toodles.

today was a breakthrough. i was really paying attention to the conversation with ben. he's really an angel in my life whom God planted so that he'd be there to push me on when i backslide. true enough. the last month had been the slack. in fact, for the past 3 months, it was the worst of all. i never prayed, i never read the bible, i never took notes during sermons, i was laughing a joking around. but still. now that i am determined to be back on track and to be enthusiastic about God, there he was. giving me what i need. for that i need to thank God.

another breakthrough was when i knew that John had accepted Christ and was interested to know more about God. it was something that drives me to continue to spread gospel no matter how full were they of themselves, no matter how many times they turn me down when i invited them to come to church. yup.

mrslilychua came back today. nice duddette. hahas. okays. shall post something on guzheng blog, go shower. then MUG FOR GEOG AND MATH. tmr no time...have church service after school. sighs. but cool. get to see church friends. (:

its almost 1.30am. i should be in bed. but i am still here. trying to get some work done. stupid ankle.

an hour ago, before i went to shower,

left ankle = 26cm
right ankle = 24cm.

now.

left ankle = 27cm
right ankle 24cm.

stupid ankle. at least its better. it was 30cm or around that measurement on friday. oh wells. i lost my temper just now because i was fed up. oh wells. not here.

okay. on a happier more thankful note, John accepted Christ today. after so long, after so much praying, he finally accepted Christ. thank God. we had a 'question-and-answer' session for an hour just now. until he needed to go to bed. i realised that i have been backsliding. yes, i have. i need to start my quiet time habit again. stop slacking. work harder. get more of Jesus each day.

there are still people out there to be saved. oh yes. hahas. i am going to pray that i can join the sanfu team. hahas. ben say he might be my assistant group leader. oh yay. hahas. yes. Lord, i want to join the sanfu team, i want to be part of both missionary trip teams this june and december.

i just want to live out His purpose daily.
i just want to follow His ways daily.
i just want to praise Him everyday.

well, i will. :) because i have to!

those were my nails. it was my crown. it was my whip. but Jesus took it all. He did that to wash away my sins. and i will stop taking it for granted. I will not take God for granted for He has never forsaken me. (=

toodles.

p.s. my liver will die on me someday. my sleeping hours now. 2am or 3am - 5.30am.

liver repairing hours, 11pm-1am. will it die on me? yes it will.

Verse 2:
Some say You're just a prophet
Some say You were wise
Some say You were just a man
But I say You are God
You are my God

Chorus 1: I will shout Your fame to all the earth
I will lift Your name on high
And the world will know Your greatness
You are my God
I will shout Your fame

Verse 3:
I know You're the Messiah
You gave Your life for me
And I know You're the only way
Jesus You are God
You are my God

Chorus 2:
I will shout Your fame to all the earth
I will lift Your name on high
I will show the world Your greatness
You are my God, Jesus I will
Shout Your fame to all the earth
I will lift Your name on high
I will show the world Your goodness
As I live a life that shouts Your fame
As I live a life that shouts Your fame

Bridge:
Jesus I decide to live
Live a life that shouts Your fame
Shout Your fame (4x)

new resolution.

1. 15min of maplestory every weekend. so that i can maximise my time in doing my work efficiently and effectively.
2. 2hr of computer time a day. time includes time needed for homework or research for projects.
3. take a good nap once i feel tired from studying in the evening. wake up a few hours later to complete the rest of my work. work through the morning all the way to the time i need to get to school if necessary.
4. take good care of myself. i.e. no more sprains, no more illness until syf is over.
5. learn to be a mugger.
6. do well for this semester.
7. do at least 200pushups per day. at least 100 every shot.
   

oh yes. i want to go to cambodia for missionary work. hope my parents allow. i'd rather go cambodia then go for church camp. oh wells, its best that i can go to both. (:

nights people. well, not yet. i'm going to study.

current obsession is Mighty To Save. (: by hillsongs. i've stopped listening to planetshakers for a while. (: heh. but yeah. WORSHIP SONGS ARE NICE. ((:

anyways. yeah. a LOT of work to be done. woke up this morning at 10am. thought someone was boiling water but forgot to take it off the stove. then realised half the family was out, mum was still sleeping. then i went back to sleep. i had a freaky dream, which involved a number of weird people. then woke up at 12pm. practiced guzheng. had lunch at 1.30pm. then walk walk walk around the house posting now. write about the dream later.

i tell you i am going to get killed. well quite soon...you see huh. now that my ankle is recovering, i am going to be down with sore throat. now that my ankle dont hurt as much, my calf bone is hurting. okay nvm. so now right, blot clot huh. my ankle is turning purple. aiya. care less. :/

and then laoshi said this coming sat for cca, she is going to pick me up. which means. another 30min of awkward moments. okay. i dont know why. but i feel awkward when i'm with female teachers. yes, i weird i know. anyway.

argh. work. i dont want to work.

and what's with all these, er. boyfriend girlfriend thing. okayyy. people around me are falling in love. and they are consulting me. like i had any experiences with this kind of thing.

anyway. tragedy of the mankind. and i'm not joking. so sad can. second stage. breastcancer

aiyahs. sad luh. i thought things were back to normal. and it can be surgically removed. chemo. thats torture.