spring onion

math test tomorrow.

UNSW science test on tuesday.

bio test and syf on wednesday.

damn the school. why exams during syf period? :( they made us stop going for remedial classes because of cca. and we are in remedial cause we need it and they make us stop going for it. and now they give us tests. no brainers.

math test tomorrow but i have absolutely no heart to study. did math yesterday in school. conclusion. i cannot study when other people are around.

sectional leaders and laoshi wants us to practice on sunday.
math teacher wants us to do math on sunday.

i dont have 2 sundays.

okays.

i dont see any sense now at all. in anything i do. but i have to do something. this sucks. oh yes it does.

whats wrong.

countdowns.

1 day to math test

2 days to UNSW science test

3 days to bio test and SYF.

1 day to 75%? i dont think so.

2 days to disctinction? i dont think so.

3 days to 75%? i dont think so.

3 days to gold with honours? i dont want to think about it.

i've learned not the expect too much. because i don't want to feel disappointed with the results.

think about it. for 2 weeks. i've not been telling anyone how is guzheng. whether we have improved or not. i've not been telling anyone whether we can get gold with honours, or gold, or silver, or bronze. i merely write down what people think and then i think about what they say.

improving?
target getting nearer?
or what.

because i feel scared.
i've been having nightmares.
i can't sleep and i wake up at 2am in the morning to practice guzheng.
i thought i got the gist of ai1.
but now i think i dont.
i still havent gotten the gist of chun1.
i dont think i can ever get the gist of chun1.
whats with all these gold with honours thing.

what's with me.

yesterday at church. i cried. finally after a few months.
yesterday at church. i knelt. finally after so long.
yesterday at church. i listened to the sermon. finally after so long.

i've strayed so far from God that i feel so ashamed to come back.

i saw elysa.
i saw lewis.
i heard ben sing.

why wasn't i as devoted as them.
why did i every stray from his sight.

ben's devotional and verse messages used to mean a lot to me.
they encouraged me.
but now i see them.
i feel nothing.
i think, next time, when my bible is in front of me.

i used to be excited about God.
i used to be passionate about serving God.
but now i see it as a chore.

i was telling zp yesterday i grew after i joined my current church.

as compared to the previous church i went to for 3 years. i've grown so much in a year here. but think about it. for almost 4 months. i havent been reading the bible on my own accord.

i've strayed so far. very far. damn me.

i'm numbed.

i cared too much about what people think about me.
i should start to think about what God thinks about me.
i'm living a live without God.