spring onion

GOLD WITH HONOURS! (:

GZ 108
NANYANG GIRLS' HIGH SCHOOL
GOLD WITH HONOURS!

i thought i would be passionate enough about guzheng to blog about it today. but now i feel that there are more pressing things to do. but nevertheless, i shall blog about it. a few days later, i reckon whatever that is in me now, that i would like guzheng to know, will be gone.

it was a touching moment. when the person from ccab said gz108, nanyang girls high school, gold with honours. i totally broke down. before the person even finished saying honours, i knew what we'd get when he started with 'gold with'. my tears started flowing non-stop.

yesterday night or rather today morning, i got very emotional. i started tearing and i didnt stop for a few hours. i just had all these jumbled up feelings in me.

what is going to happen?
have i been putting in enough effort?
have i disappointed others?
have i allowed myself to let others down?
have i sunk so low that i don't even know what am i doing?
what if we do not get gold with honours tomorrow?
laoshi said she'll help us with our burdens no matter what happens, but she feels sad deep down inside and i know it. so what now?
is laoshi disappointed with us?
what's on laoshi's mind actually?

and i think i know what. laoshi has been ever motivating, ever encouraging and ever supporting. she sacrificed so much to help us, she put up a strong front so that we will stay strong too.

but i feel guilty now. i feel guilty because i made mistakes during the actual competition. i feel that i did not put in my best. if people ask why was the music sounding so wrong, especially at the part where we made mistakes, she said we were to tell them that she wrote it that way. but thinking back now, and i have been thinking ever since she told us that, i thought, i can never do that. i can never bring myself to do that. it just feels so wrong.

laoshi has been very strong. she has been that platform we were standing on. and that platform stood there bearing the weight of all 41 of us, but it never crumbled, it never gave in to the weight and burdens it was carrying. however, the platform helped us rise above all when it was our time to be in the limelight.

i felt so ashamed to look into laoshi's eyes today, after our item. so much mistakes. where can you find such an instructor? an instructor who is ever forgiving and understanding? nowhere else i suppose.

i'm feel as though i'm writing a tribute now. no wrong. should be an ode in essay or diary entry form. tributes are for people who passed on.

all those suppressed feelings just came flowing out as tears after the announcement of results. looking back now, i feel that laoshi has more reasons than any of us to cry. cry because she was touched of course.

i dont know why. but i feel. i dont know. er, not justified?

anyways. move on. i've got a lot to catch up now that syf is over. in the afternoon, i had post-syf blues. now, however, i decided that i should start clearing up the homework that i have yet handed up. work that i have yet caught up with the class. and many more.

syf's over. yes. gold with honours, something that we should be proud of but i think i have to move on. things that is up next for guzheng is elections for ex-co 2007/2008. heh. must start thinking of what i want already, but i think i have a clear idea of what i want now.

for now, i need time to smoothen things out. at home. with friends and in church.

i want to start afresh. change church, i think. i don't know yet. i am planning to move my desktop to my work desk. reorganise that tiny portion of the room i own. okays. not much of cca commitments for now. chiong hw. chiong revision.