spring onion

in 12 hours time. the whole ensemble will already be assembled at singapore conference hall.

in 12 hours time. what we have been preparing for will be greeting us.

in 12 hours time. what we have been hoping for and looking forward to will be greeting us.

and we will be greeted by them.

in 14 hours time. we'll know what we had gotten out of what we have put in.

and i can't write on anymore.

i feel like crying. i've gotten so emotional suddenly that i do not know what is causing all these emotions to well up in me. perhaps i've been thinking too much. perhaps i have dwelled too much into things. perhaps i brought all these upon myself.

i've lost all my confidence. not suddenly, but for sometime now. since, perhaps 2-3 weeks ago. why. i dont want to state why. if just because of one incident, i fell, i am not about to allow myself to fall again. in this crucial point of time. i suddenly have this feeling, of backing out. run all i want and then sprain my other ankle, so that i do not have to turn up for school tomorrow.

where has the eagle gone?

why, the eagle has always been the one to pick others up when they feel down or when they were thinking negatively. so why now, when the eagle thinks that the others needs her most, did she fall and crumble into the dusts she dusted off the others.

me. the eagle. or at least i feel i am. crumbled.

i really do feel like backing out. not turning up tomorrow. but i know deep down, i am dying to go up on stage to perform. so what has gotten into me? i dont think its the pressure of getting gold with honours. i think its the fear. the fear of thinking you've finally gotten hold of what you should have and then, losing it in the end. because it all has been an illusion! and you have been bluffed by it. i fear. i fear that i've been cheated, not by others, but by myself.

of me doing hundreds, perhaps thousands of math questions put together, and scoring a mere 14/50 for math common tests. i fear.

i hate that fear. and i have yet overcome it. when will i?

its giving me misery. so what now. when people have been so confident about being able to get that honours, why is the person who brought them to believing that they can do it, crumble? because she has. the ever fragile. i fear. that i think i finally got hold of the gist of ai1 and chun1, and after we performed, then will i realise that i in fact, DID NOT get hold of the whole thing, not even the fundamentals of the song.

laoshi told us today, if we put in our bests, no matter what we get, may it be c.o.p., bronze, silveror even gold without honours, don't cry. cause we did what we can. but looking back. i think i will. because i really think so. i believe that i have put in my bests. i have done whatever i can. may it be helping the ensemble or helping myself, i think i have done my bests. but afterall,
i think i used a wrong approach. i wasn't focused enough. perhaps that was true. is true. will be true.

i've been told by many people, that although i am weighed down by things, i am still happy. i'd like to make a correction here. i am not always happy. but i always put up a happy front, because i believe in influencing people. i believe that i can help unload other people, not unto me, but help them completely set their burdens free.

i have God. they don't. and i want to let them share with me this wonderful Father i have. so that He can help share the burdens we have that we cannot let go. maybe i can. and i believe i can. have faith.

i believe.
but i can't achieve them.
so what's the point in the first place?

i feel so dejected.

today during LA, i was feeling so down that i started on a blog entry on microsoft word. it goes :