spring onion

I don't know how I changed from 'Isn't the world so perfect?' to now.
I don't know.
Suddenly felt sick of everything.
Sick of everybody's expectations.
Sick of trying so hard at everything but not succeeding in any.
Sick of slogging my guts out in the hope of achieving something only to fail and have people biting at me because I did.
Sick of having no-one recognise I'm slogging my guts out.
Sick of barely surviving to juggle everything.
Sick of everybody trying to compete.
Sick of everybody trying to care.
Sick of everybody thinking I'm a slacker, that I'm not doing my best.
I just can't.
Deal with it.
Sick because I can't.
Sick of doing things I don't wanna.
Can't get a single moment alone.
Sick of having people ask,"Slacking again ah?" when I finally wanted to try again.
And when I finally decide to slack, getting attacked by people's criticisms.
Sick of having lost my refuge.
And that's also my fault.

i was wondering if i should have quoted from her blog, but sometimes i can't help but feel the same. some things are
better left unsaid and i will leave them unsaid, at least not here anyway. it would do no good to anyone.

went to bed at 4 today morning, dont ask me what was i doing because i won't bother to reply. haha. i sent out prayer requests between 3-4am in the morning? haha! it's not the first time anyway. but i'm feeling extremely tired.

today whole day was extremely grilling. i was awake most of the time, well i was all the time. IT was slack, but making some personal webpages makes me feel satisfied. at least i spent that 1hr well. then it was math. okay lah. i handed up everything except for question 8. sheesh. haha. its done yes yes, but i havent wrote it out in proper yet. :( in draft i mean.

then science was a little bit crappy. msgoh came to teach us chem, but since most of us did not do the past year paper so it was practically pointless.
chinese was okay but i forgot to hand up my zuowen.

LA. mind boggling essay questions to practice.

and on top of all that, i still have tonnes that i promised myself i would do. how nice. i'm so going to be dead.

btw i think mrtan is running a fever. he was boiling when he touched me today.

//to Jesus

Sometimes i really feel as though i am carrying the world. yes, i know because of my results people tend to cast weird looks at me. and in church. sometimes its just so awkward when they refuse to understand that i really need help in my studies. and when they hear nanyang they just go wow. and even ames when i was working on it they say you're from math olympiad? it's stressful to live in this world when you feel like you're cheating on other people. when you're so rotten inside and people think that you're oh-so-wonderful because you bear the name of your school. its a weight. and at times, i really wondered why on earth did i even yearn to be in this top school. its not a nice feeling and when you're trying to push yourself to just simply meet the expectations the others have for you, you just find it all pointless. you find it meaningless. and you start questioning yourself, why am i getting good grades for? you turn to your parents for answer and they say so that you will have a bright future. what is the bright future for? so that you won't starve in future, you will have a good salary, nice car, nice condo. and then? they can no longer provide answers for you.

i've learnt to yearn for the end of times to come as soon as possible, because all i want to do is to live for Jesus. and when mschua said, if cherie really loves God, then she will do well in her studies. i was deeply hurt and confused. is life all about good grades? havent the bible taught us nothing?

James 4:4
You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God.

i'm deeply confused, by the world, and by the truth. i truly am confused and sometimes i really dont know who to look to and i think that is the cause of spiritual dryness.

i really really dont know how to go on. i told elysa about me facing certain difficulties in school and having this constant fear whenever it comes to math. all i felt is she listened as a youth leader, but not truly there to you know, facilitate.

sheryl feeling emotional and i seriously feel like its my responsibility to help her get back her living water.

when something goes wrong at home, i seriously felt like it's my fault and mine alone and i am standing in untter lonliness because i have to clean up the mess. sometimes i really feel like, crap.

i feel like a piece of paper struggling to stand up under the weight of a boulder.

weight of the world.

so what now?

i've tried to push all my sunday school schedules to the end of october. and i seriously can't take this kind of lifestyle anymore. i yearn for a change.

i'm baffled.