spring onion

i've realised that i've been having a hard time trying to express my inner struggles. i can't seem to make any sense out of the garble i mumble. whatever i say, people just don't get my point. hey, does my english really suck that much? i think so. i haven't been making much sense ever since i-don't-know-when.

having trouble sleeping recently. going to bed way past midnight. most of the time 2 or 3 in the morning. i'd wake up in the middle of the short amount of time i get to sleep because of unpleasant dreams and then go back to sleep with perhaps less than an hour left to be spent on the bed. and yet, i don't feel tired the next day. signs of insomnia? i hope not.

it seemed to me and it feels so like it that after syf, the world would come to an end. we put in so much of ourselves into striving for the best music we have yet produced, putting in the every last inch of our energy as though that was the last race. but hah. thing's aren't what we are wishing for. or rather, just what i was wishing for. after syf, there would be many more races and marathons for us to finish running. its no wonder why i always have this dream of me dying in a car accident at the age of 20. such a specific age. such a specific way of getting killed or dying.

a sign from God, perhaps. nah, i wasn't referring to the previous paragraph. its just that there are so many people, suddenly, start asking me to pray. and one brother who i don't usually talk to, started lecturing me about faith. he didn't say much. but his message was clear. or rather, God's message was.

pray.
read the bible.
you get peace.

to be frank. i haven't done any of those in months. and of course, i have yet gotten my peace.

Jesus
Others
Yourself.

J
O
Y

you get joy.

when will i ever learn, again?