spring onion

the day i woke up
from this stupor
was when i saw you
look to your left on the corridor
like you were expecting something
hoping to see something the same
like, last year.

i felt a pang of guilt then
i neglected my responsibilities
oversaw that dream
that mission
that hope
those prayers.
when did i last pray for the group?
oh, i am such a sick leader.
i feel responsible
i feel responsible for all of you
and most of all
you
and your sis' dream
i dont think i can ever face you again,
ever.
God, grant me courage



i am leading a crazed life in a crazed world. i am so weighed down by responsibilities and commitments that i can't breathe. i decided not to turn up for cca lunch meeting today. i thought it was overwhelming. yeah, its sort of not what i am supposed to do but still. i need life, i need fresh air. i cant work until i tire myself out, have some sleep, wake up and have the cycle repeat and repeat again. yes, its only a cycle with two phases but its can kill. because in the phase, there are phases narrowed down. i just realised that i havent showered. what have i been doing all evening? common tests are coming and oh crap. i havent practiced guzheng for so long. its been almost a week. man. yeah, i admit that doing all these risky stuff will jeopardize my chances of being vice-pres of gz ensem this year. but still, after spending almost 4 weeks in school, i dont think i deserve that post. i am just killing myself.

i dont want to stay up late, ever, but what am i doing here? crap. i am posting this post, wasting 1/2 an hour of my precious time. but i think i need to have an outgoing facet, if not i will explode and i am serious. X( i can't even remember the jokes i told other people today. it seems that i can laugh when people are around. yes. i cant seemed to cheer up myself that much. so the laughters i have, they all come from school. so i thank God for the friends i have.

i realised that i have been breaking down a lot during service for quite sometime. hahas. what's my routine like? honestly, i think i have no life. i am just a robot revolving around routines. i need some time off. perhaps due to busy schedules i have been questioning myself a lot about life. what on earth am i here for? i am doubting God sometimes to. running to Him only when i need help. it isnt appropriate, but i am doing it. bit by bit, the harder i try to work towards pleasing others and myself, i feel myself turning robotic. switching to one mode to another depending on circumstances.

i want my old life back but i want it with God in it.

She was drivin' last friday on her way to cincinnati
On a snow white Christmas Eve
Goin' home to see her Momma and her Daddy
With her baby in a back seat
Fifty miles to go and she was runnin' low
On faith and gasoline
It'd been a long hard year

She had a lot on her mind and she didn't pay attention
She was goin' way too fast
Before she knew it she was spinnin on thin black sheet of glass
She saw both their lives flash before her eyes
She didn't even have time to cry
She was so scared, she threw her hands up in the air

(Chorus)
Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
'Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
Give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel

It was still getting colder when she made it to the shoulder and that car came to a stop
She cried when she saw that baby in the back seat sleepin' like a rock
For the first time in a long time she bowed her head to pray
She said I'm sorry for the way
I've been livin' my life
I know I've got to change
So from now on tonight
(Repeat chorus)