spring onion

i feel contaminated.
i feel inferior.
i feel as if i have downgraded.
i feel bad about the whole thing.
i feel dirty.
in short,
i feel very lousy.

the procedures that i have to go through. that humiliation, all because of one thick skinned person. it isnt a small thing. i dont feel like telling, i dont want to tell. only my best friends know. i know that things wont ever be the same anymore. i cant live without moving on. but for now, i am halted at this point of time forever. the same thing plays over and over again. it feels gross. it is gross. and i am disgusted. thinking of the incident makes my skin crawl. why me? i asked.

i could still feel that awful sensation. that kind of disgust i wanted to much to spit out. you ruined my life.

how can i, ever, face you in court? thinking back makes me want to puke, literally. writing this entry makes me want to puke too. all because of you, i suffer humiliation, shame, embarrassment, shock, and losing modesty, losing pride.

i never expected this to happen to me. its all so disgusting, i never expected me to have to have such conversations outside biology class. its. all. so. gross. and i hate it, as well as the other victims do.

i am serious.

why do i have to go through this hassle of life? He planned it?

i cant never face the world again.
i dont want to face the world.
i can't help but not trust guys anymore.
i can't, all these snogging, pda, pervertic stuff.
it reminds me.
and i hate to be reminded.

you chipped a huge chunk of my soul off,
and i screamed.