spring onion

in mangled thoughts
i stress
i pull my hair
i feel pressure
but i can't find a way out
of this mangled mess

my head hurting
i feel groggy
i need my bed
i need to study
i need to constructive things
i need to rest

i have a phobia of my phone now
the beeping sound
the so-called melodious ringtone
because it brings

commitments i dont want to commit
promises i dont want to promise
responsibilities i dont want to be responsible
troubles i did not forsee

it all seemed so easy
but i can hardly bring myself to smile now
it all just seemed so hard
as days go past
and i stale
in the memory of my oldself

i realise i cannot continue
because i am trapped in a maze
and it wont be helping me at all
by asking me to stop
and rest
and go sleep

because i just cant
i committed it
something which i did not want
but it all seemed to you
that i was enthusiastic about it
but i am not

people have secrets
i have one
something that i cannot share
something which will destroy me
when i let it out
its all so ugly
all so unseemingly true
but alarmingly scary

you dont see the franticness within
the all so calm
all so responsible
it just isnt true

come to think of it
stress
pressure
facade
unthinkable
but all so true.

you do not know the feeling welling
its dwelling so right within me
but i'm trying to convice myself
no, just not the one
there must be other more

i think too much
too sensitive
but i want too much
i ask for too much

must be thinking that i'm a pest now
but well
i am a saddist
i have become one
when will i recover?

i have forgotten to pray.