spring onion

i was tired of this layout, but i thought it would be wiser to do something constructive, so i dropped the idea.

ever since i received the gift of understanding myself, appreciate nature, appreciate human nature(though i must admit that its ugly at times), appreciate my ability to think, appreciate philosophies, be a philosopher, wonder about what is in store for me in this lifetime, i have this impression implanted in me.

and that is i will die in a car accident one day.

the impression was not/is not specific, so i still do not know how would i die in no, about 5 1/2 years time(i go by when i turn 20). though it is not specific, the impression i mean, it seems to leave a more mature understanding of myself and how i think, how i present myself and what i think of the world. it is not specific, but it gives me a reason to live everyday with a dream that i promise myself that i would fulfill. though it is not specific, the impression seems to tell me that it is going to come true one day, as days go by. and the call is always stronger.

the call doesnt come every hour, neither (does?) it comes every other moment, but whenever i find myself in daze or in laze, that thing tells me: you are going to die at 20 in a car accident.

i couldn't find the beginning of time when i get this impression, neither will i speculate how will the impression end. but i must admit one thing, that it took me a great deal of courage to write this thing here. i haven't overcome the fear of death in 3 years. it was till recently that i decided that the prospect of facing old age is much worse than facing death. i feel that death is much easier in a way. at least i am prepared, that is if i were to die at 20.

i feel that as my 20th birthday draws near, people who know about this impression will probably be joking about it. but i will be scared. i know i will. and how will i combat this fearfulness of death when some 5 -6 years ago i have convinced myself that death was a much easier way out.

despite the above, i have a dream.

i want to go into interior designing, just to design my own home. note, a home is made of love whereas a house is made of stone. i would want a home, not a house. anyway, my ideal home would be located somewhere between the rural and urban areas. not too far from the relaxed rural areas and not too near to the got-to-rush-no-time-to-stop attitude of the urban cities.

i would want to design my ideal kitchen.

i would want to have 4 guest rooms for my family when they come over to visit. i will have one room for myself that is not too big that i will feel scared at night, but big enough for all that i ever need to feel myself.

i will have a music room where my my instruments will be in. there will be partitions in the room, like small music rooms in a huge music room. so that i can separate the different instruments. it shall be called music haven.

i will have a living room with abstract art pieces on the walls that reflect life.

i will have the dining room in the kitchen.

toilets will be classic enough to match with the theme in the house, but not as classy as the ones you find in a posh deluxe hotel room. its classiness will be just right for a nice home, enough to feel homely.

i will have a library too. and it shall dominate the first and second levels of the art house.

i will have 3 different columns in my house.

art house, living space and myself.

art house will be where my library and music haven.

living space will be the centre column whereby the kitchens, in house gym? and the living room too.

myself will be my room, my study and all that.

(: nice home? i shall upload the pictures when i have the time to scan them

leave it all to God. but i pray that God will give me enough time to live to fulfill my dream before i pass on.

oh by the way, i will build my house using my own hands. and it will be in the U.K.

i want to get at least one diploma before i leave nanyang.

i want to get at least one set of straight As during my remaining 2/12 years in nanyang.

i want to master piano, contrabass, cello, violin, flute, drums, guitar and guzheng.

i want to publish at least 5 books.

i want to be a pastor.

and i have a dream, not only today, but for the rest of my life.

P.S. i wonder what controversy would i create if i were to post something that would perhaps show degrading souls of the world and i wonder will i ever post in future something that is, in my opinion, philosophical other than the daily la-las. if you have read 'Lee' by Claire Tham, you would know about this man in the shadow wondering about life with a woman surrounded by comforting red light opposite.

ah...wondering about life.